Hey! Ladies at the Warehouse party on se Pine and 6th on Halloween weekend who accused my friend of stealing her over-produced panda hat—YOU ARE PSYCHOPATHS! I’d entertain your confusion if it weren’t the same hat made famous by the San Francisco Giants, who played the World Series attended by THOUSANDS of people, which would consequently lead to this same item being over produced and sold to thousands of people. Yes, by attending this special game with his father while watching America’s favorite pastime is where my friend had gained such a prize. Yes, it is ubiquitous, and as such, there is a large possibility that somebody in this world could own the same hat. In fact, thousands of people do.

This concept seemed to be incomprehensible to you. Not only were you so dead goddamn wrong about the accusation you and your whorish blonde friend made, but you refused to approach the situation like an adult. If I could suggest something for you to avoid any future incidents involving you drunkenly attacking an innocent person, stealing one’s hat from which one has sentimental value to, and then go on some sloppy irresponsible tangent about your child, who, thank god, was left alone in your apartment, and not with the goon you came to the party with, EVALUATE YOUR SITUATIONS BETTER. I could only link such irresponsible lapses in your judgment that likely led to your early-pregnancy, which was likely from that fuck-off you were with dressed as a panda. What I mean is, you are ir.... [Exceeded word limit.]