After dutifully perusing the weekend work of my beloved I, Anon blog contributors, it has come to my attention that the gender war has launched itself onto a new front. It’s taken some catch-up work, but I’ve been reading your poorly constructed arguments of the merits, and demerits, of the opposite sex. Honestly, how could I not? You’ve littered them both in anonymous postings and semi-anonymous, yet rambling and ridiculous, comment sections.

As a person with a deep sense of despair towards human idiocy, I am greatly saddened by this turn of events. You know I like and respect you Anonymous? I want you to succeed. So with some careful thought, and loving encouragement from my partner, I believe I’ve come up with a solution for this too-familiar problem: If you hate the opposite sex so much, it's time to love up on your own gender. There's a ton of merit in a homosexual life, and god knows we're always recruiting.

Now, I respect your intelligence, so I'm not going to lie to you. Switching your sexual orientation is going to take some work on your part. There are certain compromises you're going to have to make. You’re also going to need to learn a whole new sexual vocabulary. You’re a Mercury reader, so Dan Savage has brought you up on Queer 101. There may be awkward moments with your friends and family as they get use to the new, more fabulous you. I encourage you to look on the bright side! If you can't get married, you can't get divorced!