[EDITOR'S NOTE: Our moratorium on any bike-related submissions to the I, Anonymous Blog continues—but this one was pretty good, and it's not about someone bitching about some a-hole cyclist hurting their feelings in traffic, so we're going to allow it. Yes, it's not fair. Yes, we can do it anyway.]

To the outsized anal polyp who decided that my shitty ass, sticker covered, highly personalized bike should be turned into their next hit of dope by way of thievery: You stole my fucking freedom. My bike was my sole mode of transportation. It was my freedom from gas prices, insurance premiums and bus schedules. It was locked with my also highly personalized helmet, which you took as well, not ten feet from a newer nicer bike locked with a similar heavy duty cable. But you took mine. On the day we celebrate freedom. May you fall asleep and choke on your own vomit.