To the clueless, well-meaning contingent of people in Portland who don't have tattoos:

I receive with good humor even the most asinine of remarks about my tattoos. I understand. I've been there, before I had as many as I do. You want to know about them, and I will answer your questions as politely as I can based on how much coffee I've had and how hung over I am.

All I want, dear tattooless people of Portland, is that you restrain yourselves from asking me and the many other tattooed residents of this city and LA Fitness questions about the tattoos on our bodies while we are naked. It's not that often. Really, I'm not industrious enough at the gym to be naked in public more than twice a week, and I don't go to hot springs that frequently. Just wait until I'm wearing clothes. It won't take that long. I'm serious. It's a little weird to be told that someone is examining my body under the best of circumstances, but it goes from a little weird for me to JUST INCREDIBLY AWKWARD when I'm already naked in a place I assumed was safe from this sort of thing.

Hey! Guess what's next to my arm tattoo when I'm naked? My nipple! Step off.