I get that smokers are the pariah of the world. Everyone hates us. Everyone tells us it's bad for us, stupid, they don't like it, no sympathy or whatever. And that's fine. We still smoke. So that out of the way.

Look bored security guards at Pioneer Courthouse Square. I am walking down the sidewalk. I am not walking through the square. I am on north bound trajectory and minding my own business. So stop stopping me and telling me there's "no smoking on the square." See now by stopping me you are making sure I am smoking on the square. So good job bright spark.

I know there's no smoking on the square. And I'm not smoking on the square. And if the sidewalk part of the square isn't a public right of way, it's the only park in Portland that has that rule. Next time I'll stop and talk to you about it. Because I want to know what's going on in your tiny little pea brain that you think this is a worthwhile expenditure of your time and mine. You're rapidly becoming as irritating as canvassers and spangers. Also, your fake badge ain't fooling anyone.

If you do decide to kick me out or give me a ticket, it's going to be entertaining for me. I'm not going to show you my ID or give you my name and address. I'm going to make you call the real police and waste their time. I'm going to prove to you that you have no real authority by only answering to people that do. It's going to be painful. For you.