Let me cut to the chase: I ejaculate in your food.

More than a dozen times but not much more than that, so far. I don't get off on the idea of you unknowingly consuming my semen, I just like the idea that people have no idea what they are eating most of the time. Maybe it's a trust thing. You trust that your food is more or less unmolested and relatively bodily-fluid-free when you sit down to eat it. I can assure you it is not, at least where I work.

When I am closing I spend a little extra time in the walk-in topping off various foods that can easily hide my payload. Cottage cheese, mayonnaise, hummus...It's disgusting and illegal, I know. But I'm also not the only one who has done this at the restaurant.

I caught a guy jerking off into some fresh eggnog the week I started working there. He quit last month but not before telling me that the guy he replaced was fired for the same thing. I felt obligated to pickup the mantle and keep the practice alive. It makes me feel like I'm part of something special. And with the new guy apparently being a "kindred spirit", I don't see this tradition coming to an end anytime soon.

Bon Appétit.