Damned if You Do...

Comments

1
You're going to stop helping people because you've "been reading and hearing on this blog"?

I stopped feeding my kids, because Paula Deen lost her gig on Food Network. I can totally relate to this!
2
I offered to help some chick get her kayak and gear down to the river, because she clearly couldn't do it by herself and she looked at me like I just offered to shave her butthole with a rusty tin can lid.
3
I'm handsome, so these broads practically fight each other for my help.
4
Best IA in a long time, honestly. If you had helped her, I'd imagine tomorrow we'd see the "JUST BECAUSE IM FEMALE DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, I KNOW HOW TO GET MY DRESS OUT OF MY BRAKE WITHOUT YOUR SEXISM!!!!" rant.

"Chivalry is dead, and women killed it" - Dave Chappelle
5
There is actually an easy way to make everyone happy: Ask.

Yup, instead of just jumping off your bike and starting to "help" or simply riding by, ask the f*ing quesion: "Do you need some help?"

I don't know why people in this town have to complicate such basic things. Perhaps if we took out all the 4 way stop signs y'all would have a little more brain power to deal with situations like this.
6
Damn you previous I,As, now NOBODY will help me with all of those distressing doors!
7
A man asking a woman if she needs help with something is the equivalent of implying she is incompetent and not up to the task at hand, at least in this town.

You really can't win.
8
Uh, you guys know that only something like 25% of women are feminists, right? What you're talking about is like hating all white people because a few are in the KKK.
9
I win because I ask people if they need help because I sincerely want to help and could give a rat fuck if it's perceived as sexist or not! Hurray for Portland!
10
Damned If You Donut will be the name of my carb free food cart. My workers will bully customers for tips and have wallet chains tethered to their nose rings. All workplace conflicts will be resolved by posting complaints anonymously to the Portland Tribune "Hey Douchenozzle" blog.
11
Ladies, I'll say it one last time, IF YOU'RE WEARING A LONG DRESS, RIDE A TALL BIKE.
12
It's OK. Her struggle was one of those little tests from God. He likes to see if people can overcome adversity. You should never help people because you are robbing them of the opportunity for spiritual growth by overcoming these trials. God hates it when you help people. Every time somebody gets saved from drowning or a mugging or the excessively rapey God gets really pissed off and smacks an angel.
13
If you are really an old skool guy, then you just offer to help without worrying about her reaction. If she shoots it down angrily, you deal with it and move on, but keep doing it. Don't back down, don't give up. Just keep offering, politely, of course. Otherwise, you're just a poser.
14
"Do you need any help?"

"No, thanks, I got it!"

"Okay!" (Optional: "Have a nice day!")

/end scene
15
well yeah Melogna the notion is not to turn into a helping machine either.
16
I fail to see how a piece of fabric twisted up in a bike is going to confound anyone to the extent that they need the strength or ingenuity of a second person to assist. So assuming you're not positing that women are weak and / or dumb, I'd assume that you're offering to help because you're "one of the good guys" that wouldn't dare put the moves on her in her sexy, flowing sundress, all helpless and tangled and ... oh

Yeah. You totally DO want to save the day. You totally DO think she's helpless and dumb and can't even figure out how to turn a screwdriver.

But you know, you're a "good guy". Not one of those dumb jock rapists that women fear.

And this could be your love connection (OH PLEASE MAKE IT SO). You'd be classy about it. You'd even wear a fedora.
17
Yeah Humphrey, totally the most terrible person currently alive in the world. Totally.
18
Downvoters, how dare you friendzone me? YOU BITCHES ARE ALL ALIKE
19
@:-), yes you do. :)
20
I like your attitude, sir, keep on smiling.