To the ladies on OKCupid who go on and on about being "born and raised in Portland." With your "I'm one of the few people around whose actually from here," go fuck yourself. If you're from Portland, that's cool. I'm from somewhere too. But, if you start your profile out with it, wearing it like a tacky badge of honor, you're a fucking moron. There are 600,000 people in this city. Many of them have children. You are not unique!

Next match.