I Figured Out What Turns Me Off about Portland

Comments

1
Dammit, IA is right!!

*kicks canvas with boot, burns novel, smashes guitar, quits bartending gig, moves back in with parents*
2
Your diagnosis is close, but your prescription's placebo. Anybody with real talent, and is serious about using it commercially, will move to the big city, or at least be there as often as necessary.
3
#Amen. Preach#. Too fucking true!
4
Stop trying to fix portland with your authoritarian implements and fix your own shitty attitude first...It really sucks.
5
I'm thinking IAnon moved to Portland in 2006.
6
There are definitely a lot of people who've moved to Portland in order to avoid, or unlearn, self-reliance.

As long as people keep handing people in this town something for nothing, things will never change.

Examples include, but aren't limited to the following:

Local gov't, shitty wait/bar staff, bums, shady landlords, stores selling shit you don't need, etc.
7
I'm thinking you're not the happiest person who lives in PDX. How 'bout you move??!!
8
SE Hawthorne is not all of Portland. There are lots of places in Portland that have no tolerance for "hipster" service and "kitschy" dumb art. Vote with your money.
9
Pass
10
Radiation City is the worst fucking band I've ever heard in my life. I feel better for saying that.
11
This IA is full of shit. How could you say you stood up against bad art when you write something like this and then refuse to put your name on it...
12
As a temporary resident of Oregon and frequent Portland visitor, I realized that Portland needs a big sign that says "No Outsiders Allowed" on front. I somewhat admire a self-contained city and its people who are so proud to live there (that's fantastic!) but I have had some of the absolute worst experiences in the city, including moments of pure bitter rivalry from the Portland folk. So, while I think the city is beautiful, I often avoid visiting for fear of yet another bad experience.
13
The bulk of comedy hosts in town are women, which you would know if you were paying any attention and not just spewing pointless sexism, you fucking dolt. And we are so proud of you for speaking out anonymously. So brave.
14
I have family out in portland area and have been visiting for YEARS, until I finally decided moving there 2 years ago. It was fun while it lasted, I moved back to LA. PDX is super cliquish like high school...everyone is pretty friendly, but trying to make any actual real friends who don't have the attention span of a ferret on crack is hard to find. I feel like if you aren't fucking a bunch of hipsters, or have an abundant supply of drugs you're not cool enough to be part of the clique. The underground hip hop scene isn't big there so it was pretty fucking dope going to shows and actually meeting & hanging with the artists. Other than that i'll stick to just visiting PDX.
15
It exists in any city on the uprise. I've lived in the major US culture hubs for years and it's the same there. The problem isn't just portland, it's the millennial generation generating no originality into art, music, and comedy. It's the same kind of creative funk society experienced at the end of the 90s, when pop culture nihilism ran its course, SEGA wasn't cool anymore, and Barenaked ladies had a touring schedule. Most great art, performance or otherwise has gone into hiding while the "meh" prevails. My advise? Stop ranting and try harder to self satisfy, call out bad art, or create something better. Either that or move to a place like Reno and then talk about how much of a drag Portland is...
16
You know what....I love Portland. I've lived here my whole life traveled through 32 other states and nothing compared. Bike Punks, 80's rockers, hippies, white trash, butt rockers, Rappers, preppy, preppers, tree huggers, loggers, Nike, strip clubs, gardeners, off roadsters, skiers and snowboarders, river rafters, sailors, kayakers, hikers, dirt bikers, dive bars, real bikers, Indians, community art, graffiti, dog parks, goats, fish, and yes even hipsters...that is Portland. We just don't like Californians, or Texans much...so sue me.
17
Apparently the trendiest thing to do in Portland now is bitch about Portland.
18
Unfortunately the places that don't tolerate hipster service tend to be the chain restaurants...
19
Social positions of power is where your critique begins and the majority of your "see it say it" maxim is hoping to regain. It is, and this is merely my observation, that when individuals with "less talent" or a better way of saying that could be "not inherently privileged" are criticized for making claims to social positions of power, it tends to mean that are not in possession of social positions of power.

You seem to argue that such positions of power should be distributed to those with talent; however this approach to social justice gives primacy to having or primacy to doing and more importantly, doing well. The distributive focus, however, obscures other issues of institutional organization and at the same time it often assumes particular institutions and practices as given; in this case that there is no place for (as you put it) "those who can't make it elsewhere" especially not in Portland.

The idea of impartiality suggests that all moral situations should be treated according to the same rules, i.e. social positions of power=talented, and the antecedent, untalented=no social positions of power.

By positing a unified and universal moral point of view, the ideal of impartiality expresses an impossibility and feeds cultural imperialism by allowing the particular experience and perspective of the privileged groups to parade as universal.

Reasonable minds can disagree, but I will not join in on your parade. Acknowledging and accepting difference is the most immediate way to fight oppression. Our minds are too vast to hold such limited views as these.

Best.
M
20
That's funny. As a comedian in this city for almost 4 years now I can tell you that our female comedians are actually the best part of our scene. I have difficulty naming any who aren't downright amazing and makes me honored to be on the same shows as them. Because I know I'll have to work that much harder to keep up.
21
nobody cares about any of this. especially the comedians.
22
I'm grateful to have lived in this city for the past 15 years. There's been lots of changes but I focus on the things that are rad and forever will be. Portland will always be grimey, dirty, beautiful and fabulous to me because that's the way I like it.
23
If you wanted to find people to be friends with in Portland, than you should have tried to find people who were also looking to make friends... Likewise, if you want to find good food, find it... or learn how to make it yourself. I've found a number of small "local" places that I frequent quite happily - depending on what part of town I'm in. The people of this town don't focus on how to get more money than the guy next to him. Most everyone plays a big game of last will and they focus on what they can do with it, and the good times they can have. So what if 5 part time baristas room together in the same 2 bed 1 bath apartment? Sure, it's not ambitious or luxurious, but, it's their choice - just like it's anyone's choice to stay and enjoy what Portland has to offer - or leave and search for their urban fulfillment elsewhere.
24
I think many of the newcomers bring new life to a town that was in decline/stagnation. Get over yourself, you sound like a whiny crybaby.
25
12 people I've never seen comment here before?

The clipboarders must be organizing some kinda coup.
26
The population on this tiny earth means it could be real tight quarters. I can understand loving Portland so much, you think outsiders will ruin it.

Every city has its problems, it takes fortitude, a change of heart, and stubborn same ole ways need to change.

When people move from another state, they should respect the Northwest beauty. We will never all work together, but try to get along. Moving here made me know that it was a wise decision.
27
I'm fed up too. I'm moving to Portland, Maine.
28
AKA the privileged transplant's gripe about Portland. You are half correct though...
29
Hahah, this "I Anonymous" was actually my own personal Facebook rant, and a friend decided to submit it without my knowing (thank you, Dutch Savage). I've lived here for 34 years and recently moved away. Love the city, which is why I hold it to it's potential, and yes, this rant was comedic and for friends. The fact that so many people got butthurt, defensive and assumed stuff just sort of, well, insert here passive-aggressive smug response. Maybe a Radiohead lyric. <3

But seriously, thank you Dutch for proving to me that I could make friends if I just got over the whole "guestlists don't pay the bills" attitude that I have ;)
30
And also, whenever I critique "bad art," I do put my name on it:

http://savagehenrymagazine.com/bad-public-…
31
If you're reading this, and agree, then please move away so I can park downtown. That would be fantastic.
32
What a load of petulance. I'm sorry no one's noticed you, Sparky.
33
I guess the new thing is to send someone else's personal FB rant into IA? If so, a LOT of glass houses commenting here would be stoned... Also, how the hell does this post have anything to do with female comics? Ironically enough, a female comic and I were the ones having the discussion that spurred this post. But, you know, just pretend it wasn't in regards to fat guys with banjos.

*Awaits lecture on body-shaming and the importance of banjos*
34
Brave Little Toaster is a great movie
35
Amy Miller, i hope one of you ladies wrote this. I hope i feel it in my soul.
36
You may not like what everyone does, and not everyone will be doing things well, but that is not a singular quality of Portland. I've seen some terrible theater, art, music, dance, and everything else all over the country. I've also seen some wonderful work as well. I've had a few bad episodes of poor wait service here in Portland, but I've had great service as well. I've seen some imaginative work here, and I've seen some awful work. What I don't see here - and this sets it apart from a lot of other places - is bland work. Good or bad, talented or not, what I've seen here has been done with sincerity and purpose. So............lighten up. Also, you might want to take some time off and look around the country to see what else is going on.

Years ago I went to New York City to work in the theater, and I had an interesting conversation with a producer. "New York draws more great actors into the city than anyplace else in the world. However, New York also draws more terrible actors than anyplace else in the world." You don't get good stuff without drawing some less than great stuff as well. The lesson is this - don't be so provincial. Like it or not, it's pretty good around here.
37
Geeze that is a lot of hate you have in you're heart. Try to not let people bother you that much. It's all about how you let others affect you. You have the power to not get pissed and if you don't like something you don't have to deal with it or be around it.
38
Love how butt hurt some of these people are getting over this... Must be hitting close to home with them. The truth hurts, but doesn't change because you don't like it. Welcome to reality Portland.
39
If suggesting that people try harder and speak up is a "heart full of hatred," I'd hate to know one's definition of love. Seriously, this was an out-of-context post (again, pasted from my FB by a troll friend) and personally, I'd like to see more people step up and Kanye the mic from these half-assed, no-aspirations-beyond-ten-roommates-and-a-bike-carrier-job slackers who hate their jobs and whatever bands are currently making money. I don't think saying "go out and take it" is at all hateful. I see telling people to wait in line behind the cool kids as falling into that category. Also, take a joke, comics. You don't see DJs remixing this post. I can make fun of hacky comics and talentless DJs because I am one, and I can make fun of Portlanders because I've lived here for 34 years and have the city tattooed on my arm. Anyhow, I'm only explaining because I want to see who gets even more offended at the idea that some IA prick secretly wants to see the bar raised again.
41
i lived there for 4 years. I'm not a fan.
46
I can only find out how terrible Portland is when I read some of these I/Anons. My wife and I love it here, and don't want to live anywhere else. Thanks for keeping us posted though, on just how shitty it is here.
47
This is this is the shittiest blog I have ever read you're a terrible journalist.

Based on your terrible spelling and grammer. I wouldnt call you a journilist, just a highschool drop out.
48
You spelled grammar and journalist wrong. But if you did that ironically Portland will forgive you!
49
I've seen you dance and you suck.
50
Hey Amy, if most of the hosts are women, yet he was talking about a male host, then, uh, he probably wasn't talking about a woman host. So cool it, "you fucking dolt." Way to be at the ready with the sexism flag though, as irrelevant as it may have proven to be. At least you get fashion points for a public ragin'.
51
**sips coffee** Please, go on.
53
Oh shit, where did I put my popcorn
54
"I love Portland, but Portland doesn't love me." --Portlanders
55
Hi Stephanie. You're good at comedy and the person who wrote this is a weirdo with a weird ax to grind. This comment thread is full of unfortunate posts.
56
Oh, and hey guys! If you want to have your opinion on Ray's stupid post HEARD instead of just read, why don't you come to the Copper Rooster on E 58th and Burnside at 7pm and sign up for the comedy open mic hosted by Andy MacDonald! Boy, that Andy MacDonald, let me tell ya. He's moderately funny. Let's get mad at Ray's poorly thought out, dumb post TOGETHER!
57
Hey Jacob I've never seen The Brave Little Toaster but I've seen Angus and I really liked Angus
58
Oh! I failed to mention the open mic wherein we talk about how stupid the thing Ray wrote is on Thursday, AKA tomorrow, AKA 10/2. Now let's get back to the really important issues here: Angus and The Brave Little Toaster.
59
Hey Stephanie Hoskins, I've talked to several Portland natives who have no problem with outsiders from ANY state as long as they are decent people. Your insular provincialism and generalizations show just what a closed minded person you are. Grow up.
60
Nothing you said in that post has anything to do with The Brave Little Toaster or Angus. Please keep up.
61
I might go to that mic, I wanna hear about how dumb the guy that holds the masters degree is!
62
Cool! See you there dude! #bless
63
Portland, Oregon: "If you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere!"
64
"Statutory Ray" is a bad stage name but it's a good name for a DJ on like, the shittiest rock station ever.
65
I'm assuming The Brave Little Toaster is a movie about a little toaster that is brave.
66
All these comedians, and so little comedy.
67
I'll tell ya what has comedy up the wazoo! The 1995 film Angus! Boy, that film. It's a knee slapper.
68
I had a professor at San Francisco State University, Music Recording Industry program, who is an attorney representing professional musicians as a personal manager. He loves the Bay Area, and advocates that a musician can have a successful, international career, in San Francisco. He has several talented clients, none of which support his unsubstantiated assertion. Even San Francisco is bush league.
69
Uh huh. Yeah. Also there's a scene in Angus where he yells at some jocks and it's really heart warming.
70
Radio Flyer also made me cry when I was a child. We can talk about Radio Flyer too.
71
"I Figured Out What Turns Me Off about Portland" ...

Please see previous 50-60 comments.
72
Man, I've been in Portland for 15 years, and in Oregon since '89. I lived in other places off and on during that time, but I keep coming back here. I keep getting solid employment here and it just works.

Look...no one likes paying to be disappointed. But the thing you're missing here is that bad artists don't exist. There are two kinds - those that are successful, and those that are just honing their craft.

Yes, there are certainly a lot of folks who come through town with the illusion that Portland is someplace where they don't need to grow up. After they get kicked off their third or fourth couch, they either start changing, or they go back from where they came.

Anyhow, gotta agree with my comic crush Amy - that's a pretty sexist and uninformed view about male hosts giving female comics stage time. I see a lot of comedy - not as much as I'd like to - and almost all the shows are run pretty professionally by most cities standards. Face it, too...Portland isn't New York. Be happy that you have a bunch of funny people trying to entertain you. Portland isn't going to BE New York anytime soon. Unless you all start having a LOT of babies.
73
Portland is an easy town to gig. In LA you have to pay the club for the privilege to perform, yet you still have to pass an audition.
74
Stephanie, first of all- you're offended because you're from the motherfucking bible belt, and no amount of hipster accessories are going to change that.

We know that you and the Midwestern flock just like you are desperately trying to turn Portland into your idea of it, but your idea sucks because who you are- informed by where you came from- at its core, sucks.

Ray owned up to this post because somebody else cut and pasted his personal FB rant. It's the ballsy thing to do, not the egotistical one.

Damn near every one of Ray's posts gets over ten shares and dozens of likes. Show me one thing you've ever posted that has gone viral.

Ray has a master's degree. Are you educated?

Ray works between California and Oregon, back and forth, and writes for several publications- ones with glossy pages, not reconstituted asswipe like your precious Mercury.

I saw this motherfucker perform at a Denny's in Albany. Never seen you play outside of Portland. Wait- I've never seen you play anything.

Fact is, Ray's thread pulled more activity than the rest of the recent IA's combined. He's got a crowd behind him and you don't.

I get it though. It drives you crazy when somebody can look at what you have been striving at, and then just do it better on a whim. Smarter, funnier, with better response. It makes you question yourself and everything you've been doing. There there.

Go the fuck home.
75
Nepotism is kinda bullshit and rapant in this town
76
As the active ingredient in most uptake inhibitors such as Prozac, Fluoride does tend to give people a false sense of security. It's the next best thing to Rohypnol.
77
Dear, theMarsTravolta-

I'm a female Portland comic, from the Midwest, and I'll be opening for Lena Dunham Oct. 19th at the Newmark Theater, it's sold out, so unfortunately you won't be able to see me.
I can only hope/pray/eat/love that the rapist materiel comic was speaking about me in his anonymous rant.
"All press is good press", amiright!?
78
$10 says that Mars Travolta guy is an alt account Ray made
79
Also I've done the Denny's show in Albany and had a delightful time. I've made it.
80
I don't have anything glossy though. Maybe that's why I'm not on TV yet.
81
I should open a Kickstarter to help me move to LA and get famous.
82
Oh damn, Lena Dunham is sold out? Even if I know the opener? ;)

I don't know what's going on here, but let me tell you that as a native Portlander who grew up on Hawthorne and 36th, this rant is far from original. It's been said since the opening of the Blue Butterfly on Hawthorne in the 80's, and I'm sure before that as well. Stephanie could be as popular as Ray if she wanted ignorant Juggalos as her fanbase.
83
I think people take all this shit a little too seriously.
84
The reason why JoAnn Schinderle isn't given billing for the show, is because Lena Dunham is a bit touchy about being upstaged; children, small animals, and the like.
85
According to that marsTravolta guy, you have to be more successful than the Statutory Rape dude to say that he sucks... so... as someone who is way more successful than the Statuaory Rape guy... he fucking sucks.

This is a dude who was obsessed with the idea of becoming "Portland famous", and when he failed to achieve that goal (or perceived himself to have achieved that goal, and found he was left wanting) decided to lash out against that city. His weird, misogynistic, ongoing campaign against the stand-up comedy scene speaks only to his frustration with not being funny enough to be a successful comedian, and not to any actual defects or deficits present within the comedy scene. Dudes a basic fucking fuckboy buster, basically.
86
bill wilbur - you're stupid
87
I'm fairly certain that no Everything As Fuck has generated half the traffic as this one post. Keep hawking that bitch pirate rum, Ian. We're all proud of your commercial success. And the four year old "Shlomo Puddingtits" joke. We all loved DVRing Adam Devine's House Party to hear that nugget again.

If you were any kind of man, you'd have been fucking a live octopus on camera for Kraken Rum.
88
JoAnn Schindlerlist-

Thank you for inserting yourself somewhere you weren't asked to. How very rapist of you.

Lena Dunham? Can't believe I missed the boat on that one.

I'd rather have a three way with Large Marge and Mama Fratelli than sit through a single episode of Lena Dunham wonking her tits at me.

But since everybody gives more fucks about the opener, I can only assume the printers ran out of ink just before they got to your name on the tickets.
89
Go to bed, Ray
90
"When an unfunny comic gets extra stage time because the host is lonely and wants to bang her, speak up. " Aw. Sounds like someone got bumped from an open mic. Or were you the host?
91
As someone, "Portland Famous," at least Ian Karmel's, successful dad's ties are funny.
92
Petty, Trifling, Unfunny...What else am I missing out on in the Portland comedian's scene? Oh yeah, accusations of misogyny and rapeyness...Good times. Lotsa laughs!
93
Times like these, I'm glad I moved to Vancouver. Mostly, I miss Portland. I hardly miss San Francisco, and I only miss San Diego in February.

Is Seattle cool again?
94
Seriously, Mr Ivan Karmel is a genius trial lawyer. He wears a thousand dollar, three piece, blue, pinstriped suit and white shirt, with the most ridiculous looking multicolored scarf tied in a silly knot, pulled way over to one side. This softens harsh questioning, so that the Jury won't feel that he is beating up on the witness.
95
Halejuleua!!! I miss my angsty, depressive Portland of the 90's. Why the fuck are you so chipper, millennials?
96
Go to bed, everyone
97
YALL ARE WEAVING SOME REAL GOOD ART WITH THIS THREAD KEEP IT UP ARTISTS PDX 4 LYFE
98
Who the fuck are all these people?
99
Wow. I'm 95.
100
Anyone claiming to feel unsafe around ray are just trying to sway public opinion against him using the most pathetic and overly exploited tactic. Grow the fuck up lady.
101
Well, this I,A blog got 816 FB shares according to this here ubiased website. Please compare that to the rest of your content before telling me I should give this whole "trolling the hypocritical and oversensitive" schtick :)

Also, I sadly cannot take credit for Mars. Or Moneybabs. Or any of the real, actual people who don't think it's okay to take selective offense where it applies to humorless white people and their allies.

Also, Ian - I don't fucking KNOW YOU. I've never met you, have no idea where you're getting your "hates comedy" info. I support most of the bay area, LA, PORTLAND, Salem, and Seattle. I drive thousands of miles to drop off magazines that your friends (people who also don't care for me but keep it to themselves) write for. I bend over backwards to support comedy. I go to mics hosted by comics who claim I have "Juggalo Fanbases" (and nothing wrong with that, makes sense the hipsterlite would pick poor outcasts as a target) but tell me "great set" to my face because my joke against homophobia killed.

I seriously don't fucking know any of you people. You're not doing a very good example of being yourself. If YOUR schtick is to call ME out then I'm gonna wonder where those ASCAP checks will come from once I grow up and get a real job :)
102
Oh, and could somebody PLEASE link me to that rape joke I supposedly perform? Because my KPSU and Willamette Week supported parody rap name was not taken as anything but similar to GWAR by people who actually know where it comes from. When Wombstretcha the Magnificent asks you to be on his album, and GIVES you the name "Statutory Ray," you take it. His rap music is a biting satire of the shit you self-identified-as-sluts twerk to in the club. The ENTIRE NAME is an anti-rape schtick, and if any of you ever opened a new tab that wasn't your facebook messages, you would know this.
103
WWeek's attempt at being like "OMG rape joke" : http://www.wweek.com/portland/blog-23936-b…

WWeek's "oh my god, we get the joke now, sorry guys" follow-up: http://www.wweek.com/portland/blog-23921-b…

Like, half a decade ago.

Call me an egotistical, megalomaniacal, filterless, disrespectful prick. But please, STOP fucking calling me a "rape comic." Especially if your material on how empowering it is to be a feminist includes a "don't drop the soap" joke. It's inherently racist, homophobic and blames the victim :)
104
And lastly, before I go to bed and cuddle with Andy McDonald (nohetero, that beard is like it's own little puppy and I wished you liked me enough to ask me out), let me just say to Stephanie that I have *never* sicked my "followers" on you, I actually enjoy your comedy and don't remember ever a single in-person interaction where I didn't treat you or your friends as equals. If I pissed you off on Facebook, well, report it to Mark and see if he can get a trigger warning app up there.

Calling me a "rape comic" is not only inaccurate and counterproductive to a male ally, but on a personal level, I work in the sex industry. When you comics compare being cat called to the absolute worst thing that can ever happen to a human being, you're basically saying "hey rape survivor, shut it, I'm over here trying to make jokes about how comic books are on the same level of horror as what your uncle did to you." Fuck outta here with that cool-to-be-a-victim, I-get-the-struggle shit, Macklemettes.
105
I moved to Portland in 2011 and moved out in 2013 im from the south so it took a while to adjust to "how things are done" ...WTF is up with everybody getting pissed if you honk when someone is sitting at a green light winding up their victrola thats in the front seat so they can hear their newest record from 1912? Whats up with everyone being so... Elitist? I just came to cook with and be around awesome chefs and new culinary ideas. Im not here to change the face of the world im just here to chill...i eventually left because of this whole two faced thing....in the south if we dont like you we dont hang out with you. Simple as that..idk seems a waste to be so fake but what do i know im just a simple southern chef
106
Fuck off Statutory Ray!!! Fuck Off!!!