To: Worldwide Health Organizations Receiving Aid
From: The US Department of Health and Human Services
Date: January 24, 2017
RE: Abortions ‘n’ things
Last week, our new president signed an executive order that reinstates the “Mexico City Policy,” a Reagan-era rule that blocks US aid to organizations that provide abortions or information about abortions or write the word “abortion?” on a piece of paper and slide it across a table or start to say “abortion,” and then remember the gag rule and just say, “ab...” and then start talking about increasing core strength because we know what you were going to say so stop it.
We realize this also pulls aid from other things you do, like HIV testing, family planning, and neonatal care, but on the plus side, women around the world will know less and have fewer choices.
We understand that the women you serve are living under difficult circumstances. Some have had so many children that their health is at risk, some are living in poverty, and some can’t even get their current children on the waiting list of a good private preschool. We get it!
Because of these facts, we’re providing the following list of activities you can recommend to them (and their husbands or boyfriends or co-leaders of their resistance army) to avoid unwanted pregnancies in the first place:
THINGS TO DO BESIDES HAVE SEX
- A rousing game of Stratego
- Netflix and sit five feet from each other
- Design a cute new resistance-fighting uniform (add some flair—try gold buttons!)
- Hula hooping without moving your pelvis in a sensual manner
- Journaling (journal not provided)
- Take a class (not applicable to women in most areas served)
- Go for a drive if you have a car which you probably don’t so sorry about suggesting the driving thing
- Go for a walk in a non-militarized zone
- Sit quietly in your feelings
- Knit anything but a pussy hat
What we’re saying is, there are lots of ways besides IUDs, condoms, and hormonal methods for preventing pregnancy. (See above.)
For those organizations that are willing to comply with these restrictions, the new administration looks forward to working with you in the future. For others, we wish you luck and request that you send back all the pens and personalized coffee cups you were sent last year. Thank you.
P.S. If your organization is dismantled and you find yourself back in DC, please consider a stay at the brand new Trump International Hotel. It’s the five-star hotel Washington, DC has been waiting for.*
* Women who have had abortions are welcome in the hotel as long as they feel really bad about them. Women who have had abortions paid for by the current president will receive a very special discount. 😉