I can’t keep up.
This column is written a week prior to publication, and I’m generally mad about something that’s been in the news. But in the Trump era, there are so many stories in one week that by the time a paper comes out, there have been 30 to 40 infuriating new developments that peeved people have moved on to fume about. With that in mind, I’ve decided to get ahead of the news by predicting stories that I might be angry about by next week.
DON JR.’S NEW EMAILS
Sure, it was upsetting when the son of the President said he “loved” the idea of colluding with a Kremlin attorney, but these latest email revelations have me seething. Don “liked” the final episodes of Girls and thought “Lena Dunham did an excellent job of evolving the characters while staying true to her vision”? You don’t turn Shoshanna, the most likable character in a sea of assholes, into an asshole in the last episode, and Hannah should NEVER have had a baby. Don Jr. needs to retract these statements immediately, or feel the wrath of a significant portion of American television viewers.
OBAMACARE REPLACEMENT AMENDMENT
I thought GOP tax cuts for the wealthy, women’s reproductive health cuts, and lack of pre-existing condition protections were beyond the pale, but now they’ve gone paler. It makes absolutely no sense to have ER doctors punch patients in the face and then ask, “Now does it hurt, you fucking pussy?” Doctors are meant to heal patients, not make things worse. Face punching will lead to contusions, nose and jaw fractures, and a lack of trust in physicians. I’m strongly against it.
MELANIA’S ANTI-BULLYING CAMPAIGN
On one hand, I’m thrilled Melania has actually started work on her online anti-bullying initiative. On the other hand, “Keep Your Creepy Hands Off Me, You Angry Orange Pile of Stale Circus Peanuts” seems like an oddly specific, personal, and not at all appropriate new tagline for the campaign. I’ve had some experience writing advertising taglines, and my suggestion is that maybe there should be something about online bullying in there? Because right now it sounds like she doesn’t actually care about online bullying, which can’t possibly be true because she said she did that one time.
THE APOCALYPSE
As I write this from an underground bunker I bought into for $200 and a promise that I’d allow my cat to be used for meat, I’m pretty teed off about the whole global thermonuclear war thing. Was it started by Trump’s last tweet asking Kim Jong-un to “Go ahead and try something, you giant-headed, Swiss cheese-eating whack job”? I’m gonna say probably. And I’m in a bit of a lather about it. But at the same time, I need to learn about my new bunkermates and work to develop a skill that will encourage them to keep me around—like knitting sweaters for the coming nuclear winter or performing a tracheotomy with a pen. Wish me luck, and I’ll see you next week, or last week, or... I’ve lost track of time.
