Allison Kerek

Many people were caught by surprise last week when President Donald J. Trump stated that if North Korea continued to threaten the US, they would be met with “Fire, fury and frankly, power, the likes of which the world has never seen before.”

This is nothing to be ashamed of. The threat of nuclear annihilation almost always catches people by surprise, which is kind of the point of the threat of nuclear annihilation.

The good news is, the North Korean Army probably won’t launch their test strike to hit somewhere “near Guam” until later this week, so you still have time to prepare.

Your Fire and Fury Preparedness Kit

Part 1: Fire Supplies

1. Fire extinguisher (self-explanatory).

2. Marshmallows, graham crackers, a Hershey’s bar, and some sticks that have blown near you in the blast (no need to worry about your waistline anymore).

3. Water (this is not to put the fire out—it will surround you, thick with darkness and the oppressive heat of miles of scorched earth, so you’re gonna be parched. Make sure you put it in a metal bottle, as plastic will melt).

4. A fire blanket (this will not save you, but it may be a comfort to you, as it was to Linus in those sweet Peanuts comics you read as a kid back when you thought separation of powers was a thing that might actually protect our democracy).

5. Sunscreen (can’t hurt).

Part 2: Fury Management Techniques

(Note: Fury is much harder to prepare for. Do your best.)

1. Find an anger management class to refer fury to. There are many in the greater Portland area, but the fury may be based somewhere outside the boundaries of Multnomah County, so doing a nationwide search may be necessary.

2. Try to reason with the fury. Maybe fury has a bad rap. Maybe it’s misunderstood and only mildly irked or peeved. Maybe it wants to play Scrabble or Scattergories. Put those in your kit just in case.

3. Show fury The Fast and the Furious. Everybody loves those fucking movies. Make sure it’s one The Rock is in.

4. Fight fire with fire, fury-style. Fury might back down when it feels threatened. Yell at it. Tell it its father never loved it and nobody saw its shitty Brad Pitt movie.

5. Kill it with kindness. You may be able to guilt fury into leaving you alone if you show it empathy. Tell it everyone gets mad sometimes, but it’s how we deal with it that makes all the difference. Give it a cookie.

I can’t guarantee any of these tactics will work, but knowing they have a Preparedness Kit sometimes gives people a false sense that they have some control or a chance to survive in this insane, well- being-shattering,.living-at-the-whims-of-a-capricious-babyman-who-might-press-the-button-because-nothing-good-is-on-TV kinda world.

Good luck, Earth!