On the other hand, maybe there may be a glimmer of hope for America and its fragile democracy. I would like to suggest the following to convert hope to reality. 1. Abolish political parties - make everyone run as independents. 2. Campaign contributions are legal bribes - get money out of elections: eliminate all political-action committees and other fronts; limit individual contributions no more than $500 per family per election; hold self-funding campaigns to the same $500 limit; or publicly finance all elections. 3. Require all candidates to publicly file a platform that specifies the precise initiatives they plan to sponsor and support, and automatically remove them from office if they fail to do so. 4. Make it a felony to seek assistance, in any form whatsoever, from a foreign country. 5. Eliminate gerrymandering, voter IDs, eligibility testing, poll taxes, and voter-suppression. 6. Make voting mandatory, like the replying to census forms. 7. Mail ballots into all households and allow them to be mailed back postage free. 8. Use ranked-choice voting. 9. Make television, radio, and print media time and space equally available to all candidates. 10. Make Senate representation proportionate to population, just like in the House. 11. Abolish the Electoral College. 12. Elect Senate and House leaders by a simple majority vote. 13. Suspend archaic legislative rules in the House and Senate that thwart the majority: no filibusters, burying bills in committee, or refusal to take votes at leadership discretion. 14. Make all state election laws conform to federal election laws. That should do it. Short of that, as I said, Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

“[Partisanship] serves always to distract the public councils and enfeeble the public administration. It agitates the community with ill-founded jealousies and false alarms, kindles the animosity of one part against another, foments occasionally riot and insurrection... [Parties] are likely … to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people, and to usurp for themselves the reins of government.” That’s from President George Washington’s farewell address. In this context, the word “partisanship” means “political parties.” The quote can be parsed as follows: 1) political parties breed factionalism and divisiveness; 2) foreign powers meddle in domestic affairs when political parties ally with them; and 3) parties intensify regional mistrust and animosity. Look around and what do you see? 1. The two American parties are at each other’s throats and polarizing the country. The government is mired in stalemate and controversy; the traditional accoutrements of democratic government have been butchered; there is no room for compromise; the country teeters on a civil war. 2. The parties accuse one another of colluding with foreign governments to influence elections, spread dissent, and undermine the republic. One party is shredding trust in traditional alliances and mutual defense pacts, while favoring old adversaries. 3. Americans in one state or region have always mistrusted the political and economic intentions of other states or regions. And now, Southerners despise northerners, people in the northeast and along the west coast are labelled snooty elites, rural people have no use for urbanites, the races barely tolerate one another, and immigrants are accused of wicked acts. Can we save ourselves? No. I fear we have passed the tipping point. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

You had plenty of room to get out the back door. I hope someone gave your grumpy ass a hug. You were clearly in need of one.

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People on the far right use the term ‘woke’ to pronounce their disdain for enlightened thinking, emotional maturity, and well-intentioned behavior. The term ‘woke’ has been transformed through endless repetition into a pejorative and all-encompassing meme for disparagement. Woke is a rallying cry, the mother of all wedge issues, a tool to enflame an ignorant and hateful base. It's time to fight fire with fire. So, what is the opposite of woke? Asleep comes to mind. But if woke is hyper-awakeness, then its opposite must be hyper-sleep, or what a doctor would call a coma. Ultra-conservative Republicans, AKA American fascists, are in an intellectual coma – they are comatose. But they will never remember or understand that term – just too may syllables. So, let’s just say they are ‘tose,’ short for comatose. The far right exists in a state of troubled eternal sleep. They writhe in anger, hate, and frustration in their endless nightmares of cursed sleep. They see no good, hear no good, and feel no good. The fear anything not exactly conforming to their stereotypes of worthy humans, AKA white male Christians. They hate any thought or belief that do not conform to their norms. They squirm from the frustration of sensing their own futility and knowing they lack the skills and knowledge to do anything to improve their lots in life. Pity the poor blokes. We are woke and they are 'tose.

If somebody has the drive, willpower, courage, and vision to walk 2000 miles-won’t it be slightly more likely that they will work hard? I think so. Won’t they be slightly more likely to save and send their kids to college? I think so. Won’t those kids end up as engineers, your doctor, your teacher, your representative in the future?

It’s shameful that you would spends so many years telling me you were on my side and that you were one of my biggest supporters, and then do what you did. Even if you were forced out coerced in some way, you made it sound like you were juggernaut and couldn’t be stopped. All I needed was you in my corner and I had nothing to worry about. I did trust you too. You called me and I expected you to tell me you were proud of me for making it this far. I took your call and I set up your meeting so you could sabotage me with shitty news and you and your group. In the end I’m mostly embarrassed I held on so long anyway. I’m also embarrassed that I think about it, but I spent close to twenty years thinking I was part of a “family”. Some kind of community bigger than me. I have own family, which is crazy when you consider I dreaming of an isolated shed on an abandoned lot just a few years ago. They were going to be part of your community. I guess that’s the good part though. In that sense, it’s like you did bring a gift after all. Anyway, I’m still working on that recovery thing. Some days are better than others. I will get better. You will most likely stay the same.

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You moved near a Vietnamese restaurant and then you complained about smelling Vietnamese food. Scratches head

From the hedonic bubble of cafes, restaurants, and bars, a Portlander might be cozied into not wondering where their piss ends up. But just downstream from Portland is the tidal ebb and flow of a sacrifice zone known as the Lower Columbia River. And there among 21st Century robber barons and Oregon DEQ’s self-report system of accountability is a local monthly rag. In the January 15, 2024 edition is an article in which the author writes about Lewis and Clark’s westward adventures. “Clark, who was 33 years old,” the author writes, “was quite taken by the two girls he saw riding horses on the estate. One girl, Judith “Julia” Hancock, was just 12, while the other girl (her cousin) was 14.” Julia was married off to Clark when she was 16. He managed to breed her five times before her death at the age of 28, after which he married the cousin. Later in the article the author writes, “After the Corps of Discovery returned to St. Louis in 1806, Clark’s slave, York, asked for his freedom… York believed he had earned his freedom, but Clark disagreed… he asked Clark to sell him to someone in Louisville so he could be closer to his wife, but Clark refused. York was very unhappy, and from that point on Clark treated him harshly.” Yet after all this expose, the article ends with these astonishing words: “William Clark will long be remembered as one of America’s great heroes.” Let us remember Clark not as a hero, but as the piece of shit he really was. He didn’t discover the West Coast any more than Neil Armstrong discovered the moon. He just made it easier to destroy.

Heyo random dude on the street corner,

I'm really sorry I splashed you. I was driving, I didn't realize how deep the puddle was, I didn't really clock my speed and I meant the "I'm sorry!" I yelled as I went past. Based on your language the puddle via myself got you good. I'm sorry about that.

That said, I've never gone through the effort of throwing a brick at someone's window though. 

So fuck you. I hope every tiny thing you possess is soaked with pisswater. Cuz that's something I've never done in my menial life, throw a brick at someone's car..fucking congrats on your main character syndrome. Nothing happened to intentionally fuck you up, but you intentionally threw a fucking brick at my car because you got splashed. Boo fucking hoo, bitch. 

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The Decemberists have sung:

Come the war

Come the avarice

Come the war

Come hell

Come the attrition

Come the reek of bones

Come the attrition

Come hell

(“This is why we fight”)

They just released new music as more Gazan hospital space is invaded to “save” hostages.

This Portland group is one part of what is right in this city—their thoughtful lyrics, musicianship, and Colin’s compelling voice.  Their anti-war lyrics (with their semi-satirical videos online) strike me as tragically timely.  Their “Calamity Song” (with its brief “ceasefire” moment online) and “16 Military Wives” show militarism running amok.

These songs are my backdrop for what is going on in Congress. Sen. Merkley is one of the few who voted against further aid to Israel last week. It is a dark time for those of us who recognize America’s complicity.  How I loath the gutlessness of our Congress, and how so many there are afraid of having a developed conscience.

This is why we fight this latest great outburst of American military sweep abroad. I only wish that there were more of us that would…as otherwise this is why we despair.

Watch it:  “This is Why We Fight”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLSOzcEQjiE

Here I am once again, shaking with anger on the bus after nearly being run over as I walked to the bus stop. I’ve heard all the refrains about how pedestrians take their safety into their own hands, should wear bright colors, and definitely make sure the driver sees and acknowledges you. Trust me when I say I’ve taken that all to heart and do my best to be a visible and thoughtful pedestrian. When it is the middle of the afternoon on a clear day and I am wearing a BRIGHT YELLOW COAT: driver, you do NOT have any right to be flummoxed or indignant when I scream “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU” as you come within inches of my body in the middle of the crosswalk. To say that this experience is pretty distressing is an understatement, but it happens with such regularity that it has become a part of my commute routine. My daily dose of flight or fight, stress hormones coursing through my body. I wish there was a way for me to help you, driver, understand that you are in fact primarily responsible for not hitting people because you are driving a multi-ton maiming machine. If left turns at a 4-way stop are so difficult for you that you cannot see me in the middle of the crosswalk, perhaps you ought not to be driving at all. Know that I am disappointed in you, and so is every other person you know who has ever had the audacity to be a pedestrian in the middle of a crosswalk. I will make myself seen and heard every single time. Consider yourself acknowledged.

I would love to say nice things about Portland. I would like to say, isn't it grand that we abolished rent and poverty, and no one freezes or starves anymore. I would like to say, I am proud of how we have made values like inclusivity and accessibility into foundational practices, a stalwart pretext. I would like to say Portland lives up to the dream of itself, a pluralist beacon beyond privation.

But this is a city of pale heirs and company towns. Foul princelings govern ambivalently, divorced from any serious civic expertise so that only corruption guides their hand. Roads decay and bridgework in Bridgetown splays into boondoggle after boondoggle. Try as it might, the city's civic backbone struggles under captured leadership and insufficient resources. The city that works, hardly does. Of course our governance cannot imagine enduring solutions to our crises, both because they are ignorant blue-bloods, and because our presence in this region descends from logging enclaves. Just as the great forests swallowed their traces, we lay temporary foundations because permanence has never been a part of settler culture. Any alternative is considered too expensive.

I would love to say nice things about Portland. We will have to live up to our values, first.

A NOTE FROM THE I, ANONYMOUS EDITOR:

Hi, all! We here at the Mercury apologize for the lack of pithy rants and confessions lately in America's sweetest column, I, Anonymous! There's a currently a problem with a server that refuses to recognize the genius submissions you're sending in (probably because it's jealous), and the company that runs the servers are presently at a loss for explaining the problem. 🙄

That said, we expect this annoying situation to be fixed in the near future. In the meantime, you can still send your screeching, beautiful rants to anonymous@portlandmercury.com and we will put them on the site manually (and don't worry—your identity will never be revealed). You can also find this address on our regular submissions page.

Thanks for your patience with bullshit, overrated technology (and we could write a lengthy rant about this very topic, but won't, because it would be even more tedious than the people who write in complaining about bikes, homeless people, or who submit their poetry [NEVER submit poetry to I, Anonymous... what are you thinking??]), and we appreciate you!

Your friends at the Mercury ❤️

First: everybody needs to look up Project 2025, which is a Christian and White Supremacist mandate for any conservative in office and includes using the government for prosletyzing. Second: this election is going to treat the country apart either way the cards fall. It’s already in the works. Finally: Portland’s liberal reputation was a trap to lure liberals to one area. The educational system in Oregon has dumbed down our children, with terrible graduation rates and other benchmarks. The dependency on OHP allows for the constant medication of people “for free” giving records profits to pharmaceutical companies, even as they artificially constrain supply of ADHD and other popular meds. The lack of providers means med management is being done by inexperienced therapists and recent grads operating out of small clinics that will disappear and have little accountability. Conservative investment groups from Washington and California and elsewhere are buying up apartment complexes or managing them so that prices go up which further excludes the majority of renters. The Portland Police are still butt-hurt about defunding so they have been working at 10% for the last 7 years, letting crime happen so the conservative news media can point to Portland as a wasteland. The show Portlandia was just propaganda to lure people here. Why? Because areas like Portland, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Denver are going to be turned into Gaza style containments. It already happened at Standing Rock. That was the “dry run” for what is to come.

Please let’s remember all the humans killed in the name of God and His King of Peace, can I get an amen?