10500 Beaverton-Hillsdale Hwy, 503-643-4512

Do not be fooled by Uwajimaya. Though it masquerades as an "Asian Food Market," its real identity is "Magical Wonderland" if you crave the visually titillating, painfully sweet world of Japanese junk food. Worse for your health and more fun than American snacks, you can purchase it cheaply at this sprawling grocery.

I love caffeine. Amid a selection of ready-made, pre-canned coffee drinks, I picked Boss Sharp brand. It's 280 grams of water, coffee, and sugar--in that order. The achingly sweet sludge won't cure your withdrawal headaches, but it may make you want to barf.

To settle my stomach, I had some Body Request Pocari Sweat, a clear sports drink. Imagine guzzling a mix of glucose and bodily fluids. Blghghch! What saved me from that horror was a svelte can of Lotte Milkis ("New Feeling of Soda Beverage"), a creamy carbonated drink that tastes remarkably like the tangerine-coconut-marshmallow ambrosia that great-aunts make for holiday meals.

Fruit Market's Aloe Yogurt Dessert does in fact contain chunks of aloe plant floating in creamy marshmallow stuff. It, too, tasted of ambrosia, and the clear, fresh aloe had the same cooling effect in my mouth that it does in healing burns. For a snack made almost entirely of sugar, the aloe "yogurt" treat was incredibly light in taste and consistency.

At Uwajimaya, you can buy classic Pocky, that starchy-sweet, chocolate-dipped wheat stick, in my favorite flavor: Men's. The informative description ("Crispy pretzel dipped in dark chocolate for the type of person who enjoys the finer points in life") says it all. I'm enjoying the finer points in life, all right. And I'm a girl, even!

To freshen up, I had Lotte Free Zone chewing gum in "Hi-Mint" flavor ("For beautiful white teeth"). Hi-Mint tastes just like spearmint toothpaste, although after the initial chew, I got used to it and my mouth became an iceberg.

I may go into a coma from sugar consumption.