I was your girlfriend for over two years. We lived together. We got pregnant by accident and you coerced me into having an abortion, telling me you wouldn't support a decision to keep it. You said you wouldn't be with me, and that the baby would come into a broken home. This confirmed that you are not a good partner for me or anyone else. I had the abortion, you helped me through it (since you were getting what you wanted), and I moved out. We decided to stay friends because we care about each other and because I would continue to need some emotional support. You said you would regularly check in to see how I'm doing after the abortion, because that is what a decent person would do. Other than that one time we ran into each other and had sex a couple weeks ago, you have disappeared. People say you are doing great. I cry multiple times a day over the loss I experienced that will be with me for the rest of my life, as well as over the ending of our relationship. Congratulations, you have transcended "emotionally unavailable" and have now reached "complete douche bag" status.

Quick, somebody write an I, Anonymous about farting in movie theaters or handjobs or drunks who wet the bed—anything to lighten the mood! Even a good bikes vs. cars rant might do the trick!