GOOD MORNING! LOOK, LAY OFF NORTH KOREA ABOUT THOSE FAXES. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THAT THEIR MIMEOGRAPH MACHINE WAS BROKEN.

YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THERE ARE A COUPLE OF MECKLEMS ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE OREGONIAN TODAY. ANOTHER STEP IN MY VERY SLOWLY ADVANCING QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION.

GOOD MORNING! I'M HAPPY TO SEE THAT SMIRK'S 8.01AM GMN FROM YESTERDAY WAS AN ABERRATION, AND YOU'VE GONE BACK TO NOT GETTING UP STUPIDLY EARLY IN THE MORNING.

IT'S A SAD DAY WHEN MIKE HUCKABEE IS THE VOICE OF REASON IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

GOOD MORNING YALLZ.

GOOD MORNING WSH! GOOD MORNING TODD! GOOD MORNING STU! GOOD MORNING METRY OF OREGO!

BARNEY FRANK WANTS HOMOSEXUALS TO HAVE PROTECTION FROM HATE CRIMES, MARRIAGE RIGHTS, A JOB, AND TO OPENLY SERVE IN THE MILITARY? WHAT'S NEXT? EQUAL ACCESS TO THE INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM? HIS RADICAL IDEAS ARE DANGEROUS TO THIS COUNTRY. IF HE REALLY WANTS ALL THAT, HE CAN HAVE ALL THAT BY MOVING TO FRANCE. MINUS THE JOB PART. AND THE EFFECTIVE MILITARY PART.

MORNZ!

OF COURSE DADT ISN'T GOING TO BE A TRIP TO THE COTTON CANDY FACTORY! IT'S GOING TO BE A DEATH SLOG TO THE LEATHER CHAP AND SEQUINS FACTORY....FOR US ALL!

I LOVE BARNEY FRANK SO MUCH. I WISH THE ENTIRE REST OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY HAD HIS BALLS, HIS BIG, GAY BALLS!

TODD,
IF YOU OR YOUR KIN WERE REALLY ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE OREGONIAN, I'M SO SORRY YOUR METH RING GOT BUSTED!

TODD, THAT WAS YOUR $1 MILLION IN POT THE COPS GOT OUT IN GRESHAM? BUMMER, MAN. HOW MUCH DID YOU FLUSH BEFORE THEY GOT IN?

@OREGOMETRY: LET'S JUST SAY GRESHAM SHOULD BE CALLED MECKLEM. AND I SHOULD BE ITS KING.

@OREGOMETRY: I MISREAD YOUR COMMENT, BUT LET'S JUST SAY IT ANYWAY.

GOOOOOD MORNING. "THE RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA™" SOUNDS LIKE AN AWESOME NAME FOR A VIDEO GAME!

SHOOTING OUT OFFA GLITTERY UZI LITTLE PONYS, RAINBOWS, PINK WATER, AND QUEER ELF'S WITHA POP GUN, WOOOOOOO.

MERRY X-MAS, AS IN MERRY X-MEN SEASONAL FESTIVITIES!!!

HAS THE FONT CHANGED FOR EVERYBODY, OR IS IT JUST ME? HEADLINES ARE THE SAME, BUT ALL THE BODY TEXT IS TINY TINY TODAY.

IT'S CHANGED FOR ME, TOO. TOO BAD IT ISN'T LIKE THE AARP PAGE WHERE YOU CAN ADJUST THE TEXT SIZE RIGHT THERE SO I DON'T NEED TO GET MY READING MACHINE.

"THIS WEEK ON SHOWERING WITH THE GAYS: BARNEY FRANK DISCUSSES HIS RADICAL AGENDA".

Snakes are venomous, not poisonous.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN PDX
by Sir Charles Myers


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a modest mouse;
The vintage stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Isaac soon would be there;

The children were drinking PBR in their beds,
While visions of fixed-gear feminazis danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
I rested in the loo to take a vegan crap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,
It was meth heads grinding their teeth: Gresham Boyz.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
As the first thing they would come for would be my stash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of a bag of baby powder cut blow,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a giant Prius, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and nicely,
We all "Float On" because it's so timely.
More rapid than eagles his courses they came,
And he pogoed, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Eric! now, Jeremiah! now, Joe and Tom!
Johnny Marr just took a shit on my motherfucking lawn!
To the top of the Rose Quarter! to the top of Mt Tabor!
I am not a poet but a chronic masturbator!"

As Saint Cupcakes before the wild hurricane fly,
At Holocene a pretty girl caught my eye
I approached her and I gave her some Jager
Who knew she'd be pregnant 24 hours later?

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
And smelt a breath that was at least 80 proof
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Isaac came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
In a house of Peta activists, I knew he'd get the boot
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler selling crack on the MAX

His eyes -- how they gleamed! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like Vicodin, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as my coke;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
The marijuana smoke encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of KY jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
He ripped out a fart that almost rendered me dead;

He lisped not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
"Vegan cookies on a plate from Trader Joes!"
He gobbled them all--up the chimney he rose

He sprang to his Prius, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to PDX, have a great fuckin night."