Ethics Feb 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I, Anonymous: The Day After Valentine's

Wm. Steven Humphrey
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Comments

1
I'm surprised that a lack table could support the weight of one person, let alone the weight of all the Ikea managers fucking your ex.

Then again, I live here and I only cheat on my taxes.
dimitrir on February 15, 2011 at 1:45 PM Report this
2
Odds are 100% that the author of this screed is 22-24. These are some awful youngkid-sapphic problems.

Which of these apply (Maybe all?):

A. They're in a bad relationship but are enjoying the drama, or
B. They're missing out on some awesome group sex, or
C. They're a co-dependant infantile idiot.
Graham on February 15, 2011 at 1:56 PM Report this
3
Bingo Graham.
Spindles on February 15, 2011 at 1:58 PM Report this
4
It's all Goldschmidt's fault. Everything here is.
($8239f8h248cerfehjf23@&*@ebdjhb23f237OCDBO#BD*(# on February 15, 2011 at 1:59 PM Report this
5
I thought it was because we can't drive.
on February 15, 2011 at 2:00 PM Report this
6
That's Goldschmidt's fault, too. So is the rain. Ask anyone.
($8239f8h248cerfehjf23@&*@ebdjhb23f237OCDBO#BD*(# on February 15, 2011 at 2:05 PM Report this
7
Based on what people keep blaming Portland for, I can't decide if I should be coldly distant to outsiders, fuck them as often and as much as possible, be too polite, stab them in the back, etc.

It's almost as if the city is a place where people live instead of a giant entity out to get you.
The Immortal Goon on February 15, 2011 at 2:09 PM Report this
8
Every time I cheat on somebody, Neil Goldschmidt gets his wings. And then I put a bird on him.
on February 15, 2011 at 2:14 PM Report this
9
Don't hang around with shitty people.

If the people around you are shitty, ditch them, or at the very least don't trust them.
Blabby on February 15, 2011 at 2:16 PM Report this
10
@Joneser for COTW!!!!
kiala on February 15, 2011 at 2:18 PM Report this
11
LOL this person needs to read Linda Schierse Leonard's "On the Way to the Wedding: Transforming the Love Relationship" this might change the people they select and break the pattern.

But I bet they get cheated on East Coast Style.
Rosy on February 15, 2011 at 2:31 PM Report this
12
Well, at least he can go zipping back to his 'competent' East Coast girlfriend and a job 'worth sticking around for'.
Hopefully his little excursion to slut-friendly Portland didn't put off his patient ex too terribly much.
I'll say one thing; he's certainly got our town's sense of personal entitlement.
rich23 on February 15, 2011 at 2:39 PM Report this
13
I don't think any city has ever been anthropomorphized as much as Portland. You're blaming the fucking city for your stupid relationship and the stupid person you asked for stupid advice about your stupid relationship? You're stupid.
eldepeche on February 15, 2011 at 2:41 PM Report this
14
Anonymous: You failed the Portland test. Go back to living with Mommy and Daddy, get the fuck out and never come back.
MrFabulous on February 15, 2011 at 2:50 PM Report this
15
@rich23: Your genders are off. This was written by a baby-dyke.
Graham on February 15, 2011 at 2:52 PM Report this
16
Just to clarify for the commenting community, I'm pretty sure that this letter is re: the younger lesbian/dyke/queer culture of Portland, and is written by someone within that culture. I do believe.

And it's true, we're always accidentally fucking our roommates and Ikea managers; it's a thing.

mel on February 15, 2011 at 2:55 PM Report this
17
IKEA management has been obsessed with market testing its Hangivor product, the space saving collapsible S&M harness furniture line. You can’t fault IKEA managers for being proactive.
Fruit Cup on February 15, 2011 at 3:06 PM Report this
18
@mel: I've already said that. Twice. Jesus fucking Christ.
Graham on February 15, 2011 at 3:09 PM Report this
19
@Graham! Please chill out! I'm sorry I tardily bogarted your dykey observations! You are the expert!
mel on February 15, 2011 at 3:16 PM Report this
20
"Why didn't I figure it out?"

Because you're a chump.
dark on February 15, 2011 at 3:18 PM Report this
21
Look, to be fair, we *all* fucked your roommate, OK?
Todd Mecklem on February 15, 2011 at 3:24 PM Report this
22
@mel: Whenever I see hotdog costumes I get sent into a killing rage. It's been a longterm problem and part of why I'm no longer allowed in New Jersey.
Graham on February 15, 2011 at 3:26 PM Report this
23
it's good to know that lesbians on the east coast possess higher moral fiber. I may have to move there to escape the moral fiber munching lesbians we have here in the depraved City of Stumps.
eric cantona on February 15, 2011 at 3:51 PM Report this
24
Have these young lesbians thought about their health?! Monogamy acceptance at any size!!!!
on February 15, 2011 at 4:29 PM Report this
25
@Todd: That WAS one hell of a party. I still have rope burns.
($8239f8h248cerfehjf23@&*@ebdjhb23f237OCDBO#BD*(# on February 15, 2011 at 4:38 PM Report this
26
Wow. This was the most entertaining comment thread I have read in... well, probably ever....and...

"Every time I cheat on somebody, Neil Goldschmidt gets his wings. And then I put a bird on him."

...is suitable for embossing and framing. Well done.
Tony Fuentes on February 16, 2011 at 11:21 AM Report this

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