"Don't Call Her Vagina A Beautiful Flower. Please Don't."


@ Graham, +1. That's why it was hard to vote: Sarah's were the worst objectively by a lot, but since she didn't experience them that way subjectively (because she is apparently a being of infinite enthusiasm and optimism) it's hard to say who had it worst.

But you both did a fantastic job, and found a really entertaining and creative way to present what can otherwise be something that's too self-indulgent/unfunny.*

I won't name any names on the latter, but we left after Sarah & Alison, so anyone who went probably has a good idea which storyteller I'm talking about.

* I mean "unfunny" as trying and failing to be funny.

I want to add that over 500 people came and Planned Parenthood DOUBLED their fundraising goal for the night. Yay! Thanks for coming everyone.

And ohhh bad dating stories. I have at least three times as many as I told onstage. CC is right on the money that I'm just attracted to weird enthusiasts of all stripes and am up for any adventure that sounds like a bad idea, so I very cheerfully wind up in objectively terrible situations.

I think the story I like best is about my high school boyfriend. He is now vegan, bisexual, married, living in Oklahoma, and posts a lot of sci-fi poetry on Facebook, but when we broke up, he made me a mix CD of songs I had ruined for him. And every single song was off the Final Fantasy soundtracks.

Anyone else want to share, please?
I've only had a handful of straight-up "dates," but on one of them, we walked back after dinner to where my car had been parked to find that it had been stolen.

After an hour and a half of putting up a dating front over an awkward dinner, it was fun for a few panicked minutes to ask myself, "how would (shall) a super cool guy go about reacting to this fact?" Neither of us had a cell phone, so we really were just sort of standing around wondering what to do.

The answer I came up with was to (painfully) play it all off as some funny thing, which really (further) weirded out my date.... until we discovered that I had actually parked my car several blocks away.

Btw, my whip looked like a shittier version of this: http://bit.ly/xtNKm9

No second date for some reason.

(Remind me IRL and I'll tell you the less g-rated ones.)

One more that just came to mind:

After I discovered I had been cheated on by an ex, I refused to talk to her or have any contact for 6 months, until I finally relented and agreed to go on a walk with her so she could apologize.

During the walk she kept trying to touch me casually, and I told her to knock it off. When the conversation was over, she tried to hug me, and I backed away. She kept coming for me, arms outstretched like Frankenstein, over about a 30-40 square foot area, for what must have been a two-solid-minute-long battle of wills.

I sincerely hope this sad/ridiculous dance was noted by the neighbors in the many surrounding suburban homes.
I once had a couple dates with a girl, just after my first semi-serious relationship had imploded. Now, I've always been painfully awkward on "formal" dates. But this one was a well-meaning coupling on both sides with two people on the rebound. Which, of course, turned into the other person talking about why her relationship had ended. So yeah. Kind of a lot of staring at the beach and trying to be nice.

Anyway, the last date, we were at a concert. I was really into it, she wasn't. She went to go, so I was a bit like, well... bye! I stayed for the rest of the show.

So that's my worst story. Lackluster!