Comments

1
I don't see any crows, so frankly, I'm stumped.
2
The use of the Oxford comma makes me think that the author went to Oxford. (Or maybe it's just an Oxnard comma.)
3
Bill Pantswearer was pretty fed up with Suzy Nudnik's tardiness. When you say a clambake is going to start at 7 pm sharp, you damn well mean 7 pm sharp, not two clicks after. Oh, but there was Suzy in all her nudist glory, with that cute outty of hers leading the charge. Bill's heart melted just a little as she came ambling up to him with that crazy limp of hers... but then it hardened again, as he remembered his plot to kill her at 8 pm sharp. So with sweet nothings administered to her ear, he pressed his luscious chapsticked lips to her third eye and commenced sucking out her soul. Suzy crumpled to the ground with that endearing tic of her left eye going nuts. Bill strolled up to the cliffs to contemplate his triumph, with the clock towers striking 8 pm in the distance. But lo, some business-suited asshole was sitting in his spot. So Bill Pantswearer did what any punctual murderer might do and pushed the dickhole to his demise. "But Bill, I brought your tax returns..." screamed his accountant as he plunged to his watery doom. Damn, Bill thought, I really needed to file those things.
4
150 WORD LIMIT.

FERGUSON WORD COUNT: 202.

FERGUSON: DISQUALIFIED.

FERGUSON: BOOKS WILL GO FOREVER UNMARKED.
5
"I don't give a shit how you position them. Just make sure those cardboard cutouts are unmistakably white people," growled the art director at his assistant, Ted Sex.

"Also, under no circumstances should the cutout for the trampoline photo get anywhere near that cliff side. It's windy out here, that shit will blow off, the shoot will be fucked, we'll lose this publishing house as a client, and besides that, I will fucking murder you. Probably with that big rock."

Ted paused, then gestured weakly. "So w-where"-

"I could give a fuck. Just tie it down or put a rock on it, or -

FUCK! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, TED? TELL ME THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN. WHAT DID I *JUST* SAY?"
6
"Soon," she whispered, "the Elder Gods will rise from the blood-rimmed tides, the Earth will shake, the sky will crack in twain. Already the most sane among us consign themselves to oblivion, hurling their corporeal forms into the reddening ocean below."

"So it's the end of the world, then?" he asked.

"Yes."

"We're gonna fuck, right?"

"I suppose. It doesn't matter."

"Sweet."
7
Guys that's not what a synopsis is
8
Janice Sundawn was just an ordinary girl working a double shift at her high power law firm; until she met Dirk Darkman. Mysterious, aloof, + unknowable, Dirk (whose nicknamed in college "The Darxx") literally off her feet and into a seducting world of fast cars, jet travel, sunglasses, and silker sheets, than you can shake a stocking at ;) But all is more than it seemed. It turns out Dark to show Janet the ultimate thrill........of MURDER. Can her innocence fall pray to his steamy manipulation ways?? Or will the virgin slip so deeper within the B/dSM scnee she longed to imagine! Only YOU can fine out... next time... on...... MURDER TO SEX *change title

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