1) Like all Portland natives, I say that this behavior is that of easily impressed transplants. But we also might actually need a few more b-fast places than we currently have.
2) It is literally drug frontage, as in a storefront that sells drugs (no?).
3) There's rich people all over the damn place. Don't know why you haven't noticed them.
4) We're too tolerant of our crackpots. But at least we ain't Olympia.
5) People do indeed make that joke. And one about "goin' up Taylor," which is only funny if there's a girl named Taylor around.

!)stupid sheep. Often stupid transplant hipster sheep. This happens elsewhere it is just more common here. Mostly so you can say you went to cup and saucer or whatever over hyped place. Are there places worth waiting for? sure, just not for an hour. For Brunch. For added hilarity, watch the idiots outside Screen Door as they mill about.
2) fuck you homie, that's my supplier!
3) plain sight...don't you go to the swanky events?
4)There probably are more crazy hippies here than anywhere other than New Mexico and Berklely
5) Unfunny and sophmoric
Now here is a task for you, intrepid reporter: determine the actual statistics for 20-3o somethings moving here. Eg: How many have stupid trimmed beards or 1890's mustaches. Skinny jean ratio? Are they really ALL from california and shitholes in the midwest? Do people really move here for reasons other than the bullshit Portland "scene" hype? Don't actually do this btw, you do NOT want to know the answers. I say to you GOOD DAY SIR and KAAAAABOOOOOOM

Alex Falcone Intrepid Reporter has a really nice ring to it. Just saying. Also, consider dressing like someone from a Fellini film...that will really seal it!