Gee, if only those weren't the only two choices, eh Mr. False Dichotomy?

Or C) This guy.
I live in a quaint drinking village with a fishing problem. I own the world's smallest big screen tv. I have been known to remodel entire train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I can crush ice with my powerful butt cheeks. I taught my ferret to yodel.

I once bowled a perfect game, sober, in someone else's shoes, on Groundhog Day and with a 10 pound blue ball. On the opening night of the 1998 World Series, I tossed out the first ball. I missed home plate, the catcher, the backstop and hit a coked out Wall Street turd iin the fifth row squarely in the face. I write award-winning operas on fortune cookies.
I can tread water for three days in a row, pausing only to feed my three-legged aardvark. I woo women with my sensous and godlike cow bell playing. i am an expert in stucco, a novice in Judo and I built my bungalow with just Lego. I can cook thirty-minute brownies in under twenty minutes on my E-Z bake oven.

I seduced Mary Ann of Gilligan's Island without a banana cream pie or a radio made from from a coconut...but by employing my powers of head hunting and hammock weaving. Each Arbor Day. I take a chainsaw and cut off the legs of Mel Gibsons' grand piano. I batted .400 in the Mexican Negro League. I craft intricate rubenesque sculptures of Baltimore's drag queens out of cottage cheese. Using just a spatula, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from ferocious army ants.

I surfed down the east slope of Mt. Everest. i enjoy urban hang gliding. I ran the Boston Marathon with scissors....I finished 148th. On each Earth Day, Uma Thurman pays me a visit and harvests my belly button lint. i carved a totem pole in the likeness of Marcia Brady. I will not kill Dick Cheney. I found Waldo and lost my favorite bong at Waldo Lake. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy parachute pants. Last summer I toured Rhode Island with a traveling band of xenophobes. I kicked Chuck Norris's ass. My clever floral arrangement have earned me international acclaim in botany circles.

Children trust me. Dogs admire me. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. On Wednesdays, after my underwater tango class, I repair 8-tracks free of charge. I have performed covert operations for the Polish Navy. The laws of physics do not apply to me, but I never litter. Whlie on vacation in Idaho I successfully negotiated a truce with a hardened group of Amish Tea Partiers who had seized a small zipper factory. I frolic. I will not kill Dick Cheney. I have crafted amazing four-course meals using just a lighter and a Swiss Army knife. I have won bullfights in Sri Lanka, cliff dives in Mongolia and spelling bees in Laos. As a drug mule in the late eighties I was able to bring three ounces of the finest grade Spam through Turkey.

I am many things. I am full of a lot of things. But I can not eat 50 eggs.

@lumpy
While you didn't exactly plagiarize "The Greatest College Essay Ever," you stole the idea.

@ Todd...hahhahahahaahhaha! Nice.

For me personally, a sense of humor is the most attractive thing about a man. Which is why I always have crushes on comedians, who in general seem to be more introspective and in touch with their feelings, which I also find very attractive. Those qualities beat out all that superficial stuff any day, but that's just one lady's opinion.

By the way, I had to google Caleb Followill to find out who he is, and wow - he really does look the poster boy for Portland. I might have been into that type of guy in my twenties, but as a thirtysomething I find his look/vibe wholly unremarkable and the furthest thing from what I find attractive.

Let me guess, you see yourself as a "nice guy" who always finishes last and now you're trying to prove it? I've certainly never seen this before... seriously though, of all of my male friends, the GENUINELY nice ones have girlfriends. Chances are if you're finishing last, you aren't actually nice. Probably you're kind of passive aggressive, and chances are that your idea of "chivalry" comes off more like "sexism" to a lot of women. That or you have no concept of boundaries and/or personal hygiene (and this if coming from a lady who only bathes twice a week... if I can smell your balls from a distance, you need to see to them fuckers and don't expect them to get anywhere near my mouth). Good luck, you're probably going to need it.

Lets not forget brains. Some of us have always been into the professors more than the sport teams. I don't care if your official title is Assistant Visiting Lecturer and the school is only paying you $25k/year, if you teach particle physics and can correctly pluralize Attorney General, I'm getting wet.