Depression is a real, physical disorder. Physical. Meaning treatable. I took the liberty of Googling "depression, Portland OR, free services" and a lot of information popped up. Check it out -- even if you feel "ok" right now, you'll hit a valley again, so do yourself a favor and get on this right now!

don't go where you're not invited.

that is, it's not your time yet -- you haven't been invited just yet. don't go crashing the party. you'll be invited soon enough, just like the rest of us. until then, keep your head up and remember that it could always be worse.....all of this is a gift.

Your parents won't talk to you? Wait, that's a bad thing?

Seriously, I always get shit on for this but if you're living in Portland and can't find happiness then I've got bad news for you: life is WAY harder than this. Too many self defeating emos in this town who amplify their problems so that they feel their life is some modern day tragedy. For fucks sake, go live in Syria, go have your family bombed to bits, go live a life that forces you to truly struggle. Not this "I'm so empty" nonsense you concocted so that you'd feel Wes Anderson movies were a reflection of your own dull life.

You're describing the same feelings of bullshit that almost every teenager feels, only you're too weak to work through it and instead just want to cower and reach out for attention (what this letter is). If you truly wanted help you know how to use Google, find resources, find phone numbers. This is just an exercise in your own self indulgence.

And yes, all the faux sensitive art school dropouts will downvote this and tell me how cruel I am, not because they believe I'm being cruel but because it will make them feel better about themselves. "Aw come look at my post honey, I totally made fun of the bully who was cracking on the suicidal emo. I'm such a good person." And 2 seconds later they'll forget your post, and you, and get back to their own life.

To quote Jack Nicholson's character at the start of the Departed, "nobody gives it to you, you have to take it". That's all life comes down to. Either you're hungry for it or you're not. You big pussy ;)

If you live long enough, you eventually might come to realize the futility of trying to please other people. John Lennon once wrote: "Life is the stuff that happens while your busy making plans." So don't expect yourself to come up with something that you think you ought to be doing with your life. It helps to have genuine interests, however. Just hang out at the movies, or get into Kung-fu, or photography perhaps. Most people simply get a boring job and go to work. They don't have time to think about what they are going to do with their lives. Screw that.

I recommend heroin.

OK then, I've got some advice for you:
quit obsessing over yourself.