Congratulations, you win! You were the first to identify our secret, obsessive-compulsive, commuter entertainment rider (SOCCER)! Just send us your name, address, phone number, Social Security Number, ATM PIN, and a full copy of the mapping of your genome to claim your prize.

His briefcase is full of crystal meth.

You down with OCD? (Yeah, you know me!)
You down with OCD? (Yeah, you know me!)

I personally wouldn't do it, but if it's eating you up inside, you could, you know, ask him.

He can pull off the downward dog into a forward fold on a moving bus? That's actually pretty amazing.

He takes off his button down shirt? So he is wearing an undershirt doing stretches to music in the middle of the bus? Yeah, don't talk to that guy.

You should take the slightly earlier bus, there's an old woman who shouts "Bingo!" every three blocks, and also a five-piece oompah band.

He sounds a bit nutty, but also like he's the unoffensive kind of nutty that doesn't force you into unwanted conversations. Be glad for that, and don't poke the bear.

Portland is full of crazies. I "speculate" you must be in your early twenties or new to this city in order to give a shit about this guy enough to write this coy anecdote. You know full well he's not on the level. You know he's not hip to shit.