I have a BMW also and in case you don't know...we're entitled so quit your bitching.

If you weren't such a parking peckerwood I might even let you sit in the leather seats and play with the lumbar controls.

If he's actually that far into the road, call the city. Law says 12 inches from the curb max. Get his ass towed, he'll probably stop.

"If I had the expendable income you do, I believe I would."

Isn't that the Superman conundrum?

If I could be Superman I would fly, but you don't see me flying, do you?

I do this with my fixie, but I chain it to 500 pounds of concrete first.

Oh, the irony of paying $700k for a house in one of those old neighborhoods formerly inhabited by artists or minorities or some other authentic group (same diff).

So much soul, so much quirky nervous energy, so many unique forms of expression just radiating from each Home Depot paver and every Lowe's mailbox, from the upcycled whatever to that cool thing you saw while browsing Pinterest and riding out yet another hot flash.

But... oh fuck. You've never parked in the street before. You didn't even notice that your brand new home didn't have a garage! Even though you own three cars! It was never a problem back in Fruitvale!

Can this possibly work? It seems your neighbors live with this arrangement, judging by that VW camper van that you complained to the city about (it was casting a shadow on your herb garden!). Do people just turn their wheels-- in? Out? How is it done?

Surely if you can hire a housekeeper to pick up for you and a man dressed like a victorian-era dandy to deliver artisan bread to your doorstep then there's simply got to be some sort of smartphone app that will summon a Car Parking Expert to assist! And preferably before Oprah comes on!

Steal his hood ornaments every 3 months.