SINCE YOU BEEN GONE
While we were all basking in the Sunday sunshine here in Portland, the Portland Thorns were pulling out a wicked come-from-behind win in Orlando. If there were any stops, they were pulled out in the second half when the Thorns snagged two points and shut the Pride down. End result: Orlando Pride 1, Portland Thorns 2.
SHUFFLE BALL KICK CHANGE!
A HUMBLE, SLIGHTLY INTOXICATED OPINION
Orlando looked to dominate the first half. Maybe the Thorns were engaging in some professional strategy, but I know I wasn’t the only person in my bed with my computer at 2 pm on a Sunday with a Bloody Mary in the tank and a bottle of chardonnay in process, thinking, “Wait, what’s happening? Are we okay? Can we maintain this undefeated streak? Do I really need to get dressed today?”
Our passes kept going unanswered or, worse, intercepted. Betos had a handful of unbelievable saves, but when she sent the ball to the other side of the field, we quickly returned to defense. Even fancy feet Tobin Heath was denied a few goals—one due to an offside call and another nearly perfect one caught the crossbar. But we somehow held it together without Orlando scoring for the entire first half.
After a regroup at halftime, things started to happen for the Pride. Our old familiar friend Alex Morgan (more on her in a bit) was fed a ball at the front of the box. Betos nearly came out of the box out to Sashay Away.*
Though her double punch was mighty, it did not send the ball quite far enough. Orlando Forward Jasmyne Spencer was in the right place, at the right time, with the right touch to send the ball over Beto’s messy but functional top bun, in the 66th minute.
I was gutted. Luckily, there was still more chilled wine and a variety of cheeses and cured meats to console me.... And just about 25 minutes still left to play. WEEKEND GOALS!
POWER SUB
Brynjarsdottir entered the game and within nine minutes, managed to beat out her defender and scootch the ball past Orlando’s goalkeeper. Another perfectly placed ball off the genius head of Christine Sinclair!
MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT?
No
MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE?
No
MAYBE IT’S EXPLODING CANADIAN PARTY HORNS!
YASSS, CANADIAN QUEEN!
Both teams were racing to score a finishing goal, while some fans sat in front of their computers, poured a celebratory Chard, and just hoped for a draw.
BUT THE THORNS WERE NOT DONE SCORING
With a sliver of time left to play, Raso worked some of her side pony tail magic and found Horan’s feet free in the box.
Horan with the goal.
Raso with the assist.
AND NOT ENOUGH WINE LEFT TO CELEBRATE
IT’S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE... KINDA
Can we break away for a minute and talk a little about Alex Morgan? She was prominent in this game, as she should be, but I feel like, you know, we broke up. She was a Thorn for a long time and, yes, I understand that this is business and this is her job—it just bums me out to see her play against us.
IS IT TOO SOON TO CALL? I MISS HER.
Look, I'm glad she's doing well and, I’ll be honest, she certainly shines in a different way with Orlando... but it kinda stung, you know? It was our first time at her new place, with her new team and I didn’t like it.
Did she HAVE to challenge Betos in the box, connect with an assist and constantly press up front. Really, Alex? Just like that? Do you ever even miss us? I was honestly hoping she would reconsider and move herself and Orlando husband back to Portland...
UNTIL I WAS REMINDED WHAT WE GOT WHEN WE LET HER GO.
Here is what Orlando got when we let her go:
1. Alex Morgan
2. Kaylyn Kyle from the Houston Dash
3. 10th pick in the Draft
And here is what the Portland Thorns got when Alex went to Orlando:
1. Meghan Klingenberg - A tough defender for the US Women’s national team...Like Ron Burgundy, She’s KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
2. Rights to Lindsay Horan, ONE HIGHEST SCORERS IN THE LEAGUE? Really? Yes. PLAYS AND SCORES FOR THE USWNT? Totally. LET’S DRINK TO LINDSAY HORAN!
*hiccup*
C. The first overall pick in the 2016 NWSL College Draft: Defender Emily Sonnett. Wait, what? Another National Team player? FINE, WE WILL MAKE ROOM.
5. CHARDONNAY
6. 2016 International Roster Spot! Insert Amandine Henry!!!!
INSERT UPBEAT EDITH PIAF LYRICS HERE
7. 2017 International Roster Spot—AKA SURF’S UP KEANU... MORE OVERSEAS FUN TO COME!
The Thorns are still undefeated this season and, for the second week in a row, seated at the head of the National Women’s soccer league table as the number one team.
Last week I did fan kicks over the Burnside Bridge. And this week, after beating Orlando in their own stadium that which they have never lost in, I staged a choreographed Bob Fosse number on the Hawthorne Bridge. Not really, but I think we can make that happen....
The Thorns are set to play Sky Blue FC at Providence Park on July 2. But if you would rather watch the game in your underwear with a bottle of wine, you can catch it here.
Follow me on Twitter (@erinjeanius) and tell me what Bob Fosse song you would choreograph a victory dance to and why.
*Technical term that I made up for when a goalie punches the ball away
