PORTLAND, OR— A Portland man has been identified as perhaps the first person in the nation to be "annoyed as shit" by the new popular phone game, Pokémon Go.
The game, developed by the Nintendo Corporation and currently being played by millions around the world, allows users to "capture" Pokémon characters via red-and-white "Poké Balls." Since debuting last week, the game has become immensely popular, sending players on far reaching quests to collect as many characters as possible, and inspiring a seemingly endless number of newspaper and blog articles in an effort to boost readership. Portland's local daily newspaper, The Oregonian, reportedly even hired a millennial to devote his time solely to the "Pokémon beat," tasking him to write at least 34 stories per day on the subject.
However, while the game is thought to be universally beloved, there's at least one person who is less than impressed. Doug Brown—a 27-year-old Portland resident (and full disclosure, a Portland Mercury employee who will reportedly not be fired for his opinions)—has broken his silence and announced during an editorial meeting this morning that he is "annoyed as shit" by Pokémon Go, and has been since 7:30 pm PST last night, Tuesday July 12.
"I really can't stand it," Brown told a flabbergasted group of seasoned reporters who couldn't believe what their ears were hearing. "My first feelings of annoyance came after I saw full-grown adults posting about it unironically on social media. That was bad enough. But then the news stories came. And then the trend pieces."
But Brown's intense annoyance doesn't stop there.
"It’s an app for children," Brown said emphatically. "It reminds me of fourth grade, back in the mid-90s, when a majority of my classmates were obsessed with Pikachu. I remember feeling too old for that shit even then!"
Brown claims that the sheer overwhelming number of adults playing this children's game is "embarrassing," advising everyone to come to their senses, and resume their normal lives. Brown also has advice for anyone who encounters a player or group of Pokémon Go participants on the street or public transportation.
"Just don’t make eye contact," Brown said. "It's like seeing a guy masturbating on the bus—if you zone it out, it’s not really happening."