Since the Women's March on Saturday, we've been hearing from people who want to be better feminists, but don't know how. I'm here to help. Please send your questions to askafeminist@portlandmercury.com. For more on why I'm doing this, scroll to the bottom of the post.
Dear Feminist,
I recently went on the worst date of my life where the guy told me that movements like feminism don't matter and wind up making the "other" (men) the enemy. He also stated that it's all a bunch of bullshit and that he's sick of being labeled as a "rapist" or potential "pedophile" by a bunch of angry, ridiculous women. Note this was after I told him how excited I was for the Women's March. Needless to say we haven't spoke since. But what is an amazing and articulate way to shut down idiots like him for future encounters?
xxo
First of all: I'm sorry this happened and I'm proud of you for disengaging with this person. You did the right thing. "Feminism isn't my jam and I have some questions" is one thing. "Feminism makes me feel like I'm THE REAL VICTIM AND ALSO I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE SO DON'T ASK" is the definition of a red fucking flag.
Here's the sorry truth, which I'm sure you've heard before: Many of us have been there. If I had a quarter for every libertarian-lite, vaguely shouty young man who's expressed feeling threatened by my politics in the context of dating, I'd... still need to be paid a lot more to be fairly compensated for the emotional labor of onerously explaining why I think Iāand the communities I care aboutādeserve some rights.
Dating is hard, and it's even harder when you're aware of the various sundry power dynamics that complicate a whole host of relationships, even the good ones. From the unequal division of household labor to the orgasm gap, there is always more work to be done.
That doesn't mean there aren't men out there who get it and are trying. But if a person talks about "girls" en masseāas if they're part of an international conspiracy against mediocre white men named Mattāor responds to someone's genuine excitement about taking political action by insulting the movement they've just said they're part of, well, I suspect that person probably has a backlog of personal damage to carefully unwind before he'll be a caring and healthy partner to anyone.
But you asked me what to say to guys like this. Here are a few ideas (short of table-flipping, which one fellow feminist suggested):
(1) If it's available to you, just walking out sends a strong messageāeven (maybe especially?) if it's only been 20 minutes or you haven't finished your meal. If you need an excuse, "This has been fascinating, but I have to go home and feed my cat" is a classic. Bonus points if you don't actually own a cat. If this happens to this guy enough times, he may begin to realize that he's the problem.
(2) In at least one context, I have actually told someone, "I don't have time to explain the patriarchy to you right now." Hey, we get tired. Sometimes we can't go around holding people's hands and telling them to cheer up, because feminism actually will make the world better for men too. Sometimes we need to go home, take a lavender bath, get a little stoned, and watch our favorite streaming TV show in bed with a delicious snack, because that's an evening plan that never lets you down.
(3) If you want to fight him, I suggest co-opting the language of angry men on the internet. I once talked a strange man into agreeing with me by opening with the phrase, "Just to play devil's advocate" and then delivering a super chill but well-sourced argument in the terrible wording he'd use himself. Mirroring works. It also can help dredge up a little genuine empathy, because, well, normally people don't lash out like this if there isn't something deeper and more painful going on. But it's still not your problem!
I also want to clarify that this guy is very much mistaken in his use of the word "other." "The other" is essentially an academic term that, in the field of gender studies, refers to how people of privilege in society position people with less privilege; Simone de Beauvoir originally ganked it from Hegel to describe how men see women. So in the context of feminism, this guy actually can't be "the other." It's his view of women that's privileged, not the other way around. Addressing this unbalanced paradigm is part of the work of feminism, and it's called justice, not "a bunch of bullshit."
So my final response idea for you is this challenging-to-attribute but helpful truism: āWhen youāre accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.ā
You can also feel free to print out this letter, slip it onto the table in front of him, and get the fuck out of there.
Good luck!
With kindness and encouragement,
A Feminist
A note on why this column is written by a white/straight/cis person: I believe it is the responsibility of white, straight, cisgender people to "collect their friends" when they're being racist and/or exclusionary of trans, nonbinary, and LGBTQ-identifying people or are just generally being deeply clueless and need to have basic concepts explained to them. Attending to our own ignorance, white guilt, and white fragility should not be the responsibility of people of color, and if you think it is, we need to talk. So I'm offering up a space for you to get your shit together and pose whatever burning questions you have about intersectional feminism to a fellow ignorant white person with her own implicit bias who is trying to do better. I'll do my very best to answer them, or find someone else who can.
Are you already adequately riled? Check out our Resistance & Solidarity calendar.
