"Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love" is the headline of a Fox News hate-read making the rounds on many a feminist social media feed right now. Written by Suzanne Venker, it is a garbage article about how women who act too strong will never find love, but can reform themselves by no longer having hopes, dreams, or opinions.
Venker appears to have made a career out of antifeminist trolling, so the sentiment isn't surprising, and I found the article to be less rage-inducing that unintentionally hilarious, because, you know, "alpha" is not really an insult. Here are some choice excerpts with commentary from me, an unruly alpha woman who is unable to love:
Despite my motherâs allegiance to my father, she never quite mastered wifedomâfor one reason: she was wholly unyielding.
With my mother, everything was a fight. Everything was âNoâ unless she determined it was appropriate to say yes. If my mother wasnât the one who made the decision, the decision couldnât possibly be good. Every so often she would appear to cede to my fatherâs wishes, but only if she happened to agree with him.
TL;DR: My mother had boundaries within her marriage. HOW DARE SHE
[Being an alpha woman] may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.
A ditch? Really? A ditch? Oh no, I was so strong and independent I fell into a ditch help!
In essence, being feminine means being nice. It means being soft instead of hard. And by ânice,â I donât mean you should become a mouse. (Thatâs the narrative the culture sells, but that doesnât make it true.) Men love women who are fun and feisty and who know their own mind! But they donât want a woman who tells them what to do. As a man named Chuck once wrote on my site: âA strong woman is awesome. But she must be inviting and be able to mesh into an actual relationship. Needing to dominate and overpower, that is a no go.â
I bet Chuck doesn't have a girlfriend. And this old "be strong, but not TOO strong" thing? It is a trap for catching women who have opinions. Also where are all these domineering women and how can I add them to my Margaret Atwood book club?
The roles may have changed, but the rules havenât. All a good man wants is for his wife to be happy, and he will go to great lengths to make it happen. Heâll even support his wifeâs ideas, plans or opinions if he doesnât agree with them. Thatâs because a husbandâs number one goal is to please his wife. If he determines his wife cannot be pleased, thatâs when the marriage is in trouble.
A husband's number one goal is to please his wife? I thought a husband was allowed to be an autonomous human with his own hopes and dreams. Nope! Guess not!
Men are just so much simpler than women.
TL;DR: I have no female friends.
What I am saying is that men tend to follow womenâs lead. Your husbandâs actions are more often than not reactions. Heâs reacting to something you said or did, or to something you didnât say or didnât do. Heâs reacting to your moods, your gestures, your inflections and your tone. Thatâs how men are. Your husband wants you to be happy, and when he sees it isnât working he thinks heâs failed. Thatâs when he acts out.
TL;DR: If your husband behaves in inappropriate ways, it's your fault because he's just reacting to you.
This, for the record, is the definition of gaslighting.
Iâm an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. I concede that I thrive on it; but at the end of the day, Iâm spent. Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting.
If driving the car is literally exhausting, Suzanne, I think you should consider a shorter commute. Also, way to perpetuate the idea that women can't drive and don't want to. TELL IT TO ME AND MY BEAUTIFUL HILLARY CLINTON-STICKERED PASSAT!
Well, almost like that. It was a lot of stop and go at first. First Iâd handle something the ârightâ wayâi.e. by not arguing with him, or by not directing his traffic, or by being more service-orientedâand marvel at the response. Then life would get busy, and Iâd resort to my old ways. Sure enough, Iâd get a different response. So Iâd make a mental note of how I messed up and make sure to get it right the next time. Eventually, it became second nature.
TL;DR: Once I stopped being a person with needs, my husband liked me more!
OMG, Suzanne, I think you should get a divorce. If your husband is only nice to you when you literally ignore your own needs, he should marry a sex doll, not a real human woman.
Itâs like weight loss. Once you realize that diet and exercise is the only way to stay fit, and that sugar and carbs create fat, a light bulb goes off in your head. Youâve unlocked the code to keeping your weight in check. Even if you fall off the wagon (and you will), youâll know what to do to get back on track.
Thatâs what itâs like to love a man. Once you learn how, youâre good to go. You have all the tools you need.
Suzanne. SUZANNE.
Are you listening to yourself? A relationship should not be compared to dieting. It should SUSTAIN you, not diminish you. That is the whole point! But anyway if being an alpha female means I get to eat carbs and only date men who aren't scared of me, I will GLADLY accept.