I have two types of Portland Thorns preseason wraps ready to roll out. Gift wrap: NO! Lettuce wrap: GET OUTTA HERE! Raven a rap-rap-rapping at my door: NEVERMORE!

HERE IS THE PORTLAND THORNS PRESEASON RAP!

NOW READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Three Thorns preseason matches showed fans how the team looks when they win, when they don't win, and when they should have won. PRESEASON PANIC ATTACK!

Look guys, it’s just preseason, it doesn't really count—UNLESS...

1. You are a preseason invite playing with the Thorns on a “trial basis” and you want to do your best to prove you deserve to DANCE AMONG THE STARS. If this describes you…PRESEASON COUNTS!
OR
2. You are desperate to have any sort of distraction from news—be it fake or real. Your vision has been blurred by tears since the inauguration. You forgot how to smile. If this describes your current condition…
PRESEASON COUNTS!
OR
3. Everything counts 100 percent to you all the time. You are over all too intense and your friends have a hard time telling you to settle down. PUMP THE BRAKES ROWDY RODDY. We get it, PRESEASON COUNTS!

The preseason games were fun! DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT FUN IS LIKE? Loosen up a little, guys—just because we won the shield last year does not mean we're automatically going to dominate. WORK MUST BE DONE. Everyone is getting better and the league is getting more and more competitive. These preseason matches help Thorn’s head coach Mark Parsons see what the team looks like after not competing together in a while. and how some new talent might work into the equation. SOCCER MATH.

The first preseason game was terrific. The weather was crap, but the crowd was small, mighty, and satisfied after the Thorns defeated the Chicago Red Stars 1-0! BACK KICK ROCK PUNCH COMBO!

The second preseason game against the US U-23’s National Team was was more exciting than anyone thought would be. QUESTION: Was it disappointing to lose 1-2? YOU BET IT WAS. ANOTHER QUESTION: Was it especially disappointing to lose with the U23’s scoring a seemingly avoidable last minute goal? TOTES MCGOATS DISAPPOINTS

However... it was thrilling to watch how much faster, smarter, and sharper women’s professional soccer is becoming. So while it was a preseason loss for the Thorns, it was also encouraging and inspiring to watch. POSITIVE SPIN KICK!

The Thorns concluded their preseason run with a draw against the Houston Dash. This was the most fun game of all three—IN MY HUMBLE WATERLOGGED OPINION. It was at this game that fans got to see new goalie Britt Eckerstrom showcase her skills among a smattering of other new recruits and Thorns possibilities. And even if it was just for a handful of minutes, fans got to see the return of Thorns frisky forward Meg Morris. BALLER BACK AND READY TO ATTACK!

UP AND COMING
The real deal. This is not a drill. Fasten your seat belts. Call your mom and plan ahead... THE THORNS SEASON OPENER IS THIS SATURDAY!
April 15 at Providence Park the Portland Thorns play the Orlando Pride at high noon! Get your hot fresh tickets here!

AND GET THIS! This game, in addition to five others will be televised on Lifetime Television. That’s right, Lifetime Television recently signed a partnership with the National Women’s Soccer league. I AM CHOKING ON GLITTER I AM SO EXCITED! You can read more about that partnership here.

You can say hi to me at the game on Saturday.
And you can follow me on twitter @erinjeanius.
And SPECIAL THANKS TO @soccertouchdown for the sweet rap mix! Follow Soccer Touchdown for fun and relative Timbers coverage!