I'm a 23-year-old male, and I identify as gray asexual. I'm sure you're familiar with it, but for those who aren't; I have feelings of attraction towards a small amount of people, but I have absolutely no interest in any form of sex, and the idea actually makes me very uncomfortable. On to the question. There is this girl who I have gone on a couple dates with, her idea. Things have gone really well, and we have a strong mental and emotional connection. On the first date, I told her the basics of identity, but I left out the sex part. I felt it was too awkward to bring up so soon, but I don't want to wait too long and hurt her. So that's my question, when would be a good point to bring it up?

Needing Outside Help Or Personal Experience

Tell her on your next date, NOHOPE—about the sex part, about that.

Being upfront about our attractions/orientations at the outset—whatever our attractions/orientations might be—saves us all a lot of time, heartache, and recrimination on the backend. Your complete lack of interest in sex may be a dealbreaker for this girl, NOHOPE, as odds are good she's sexual, odds are equally good she's sizing you up as a prospective sex (and romance!) partner, and odds are even better she made the entirely reasonable assumption you were open to both romance and sex. Because, you know, you took her up on the offer of a date. Now people shouldn't make assumptions, of course, but we are an assumption-making species. And it's entirely reasonable to assume that someone who says yes to a date is interested in you sexually. (Women shouldn't assume every guy they meet is straight, but if I went on a date with a woman without letting her know first and/or promptly that I wasn't straight and so sex wasn't a possibility... odds are good she would be annoyed, embarrassed, pissed or some combo thereof.) You can certainly continue to go on dates after you fill in that missing piece, NOHOPE, if it's what you both want. After all, dating isn't just for sex, it's about getting to know people.

And if she doesn't want to keep dating you, NOHOPE, but you'd like to keep dating someone? You have options. Gays find gays on Scruff and Grindr and kinksters find kinksters on Fetlife and Recon and asexuals find other asexuals on Asexual Cupid and Asexualitic.

Asexuality has become something of a buzzword lately (see here, here, and here), which is great for ace visibility, but the community and identity is still misunderstood. Asexuality has been treated as a mental health disorder, a sexual dysfunction, and even a paraphilia. Researchers have recently determined—or caught up to the fact that—asexuality is best understood as a sexual orientation. I'm not sure how involved you are in any community, NOHOPE, but joining a group of self-identified asexual people could be helpful—in the social and non-sexual dating departments. And the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) has plenty of active forums where experienced aces offer advice and perspective to newly self-identified or newly-out asexuals. Good luck.

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