Welcome to this edition of The Bachelorette recap! For those unfamiliar with the show, the Bachelorette can best be described as a show that encourages polyamory with the ultimate end goal being monogamy. This season is highly anticipated due to the fact that it's been in existence for over a decade and a Black competitor has never made it past the first round—let alone into the final rose ceremony. Rachel Lindsay is the show's very first Black Bachelorette. She made it to the final round of last season's Bachelor and has returned to give love (if that's what actually happens on these shows) another shot.
This is without a doubt the “Most Diverse Cast” of 31 singles the show has ever seen.
Only time will tell how problematic the show will be. While Rachel is a lawyer (as well as freaking gorgeous and simultaneously adorable) she is still a Black woman. Historically, dark skin Black women are rarely depicted as desirable or demure in entertainment, let alone framed as marriage material. Nevertheless we as Black women are here for it, and will be rooting for her as she wades through this sad pile of struggling competitors.
Last night the action began with Rachel emerging from the limo in a knockout shimmering white sequin mosaic dress, bracing herself to “let the journey begin.”
The bachelors to watch include slightly slutty Brian who makes sure to mention he’s “Columbian," while introducing himself with some super saucy pick up line in Spanish. Not even 30 minutes passes before we see him literally shoving his tongue down the Bachelorette’s throat. It’s shocking... and hey, also pretty steamy for ABC.
Then came the arrival of fetishizing turd Dean who said he was “ready to go black” during his first introduction on #AfterTheRoseCeremony.
The bachelorette awkwardly giggled about it and confessed she loved it. That's all well and good, but there was one bachelor who stood out.
The scene stealer of the night was actually not even human. It was a dummy who tagged along with rose winner Adam (named Adam Jr.) who spoke with a French accent and wooed us all.
He already has his own Twitter account, and he was a nice break from all the gimmicks and shenanigans that were attempting to attract the Bachelorette’s attention.
Then things went from nice to worse, when an obnoxiously loud party boy referring to himself as “Whaboom” (WHAT) burst into the introductions with a goddamn megaphone.
Shouting out of the limo window about an enlarged testicle (again WHAT), Lucas eventually ends his rant by poking his peanut-sized head out the limo door to greet Rachel. This loudmouth was wearing a t-shirt with his ugly face on it, and if that wasn’t bad enough, the shirt is sleeveless. He is absolutely, unequivocally awful—yet somehow he doesn't go home? I’m positive the producers want him around for drama, but if I wasn't filing recaps every week, he'd be enough to make me never watch another second of this trash TV.
I’m not the only one whose blood he boils: There's also Blake E., the “aspiring drummer” who's presumably just unemployed—but he's actually really good at playing drums. After proving his sincere allegiance to Rachel by showing up to his limo introduction with an entire marching band, he begins to question the motives of Whaboom. (Everyone questions the motives of Whaboom.)
That’s just a sampling of the drama that we see right before the rose ceremony. There was plenty of collateral damage as the crowd of hopefuls dwindled from 31 bachelors to 23. And the previews show there will be plenty more where that came from. Lots of the requisite making-out will be going down this season, as well as trips to Copenhagen, and sipping bubbly in hot tubs. There seems to be a racial dynamic at play between what has been categorized as the “southern guy” and several of the other black housemates. But it’s obvious we’ll have to tune in to see exactly how this factors into Rachel’s quest for true love. And if nothing else, this episode provided the calm before a stormy season—despite the fact it's already raining men. See you next week!