Air quality was at an all time low at Providence park- AND WE LOVED IT
Air quality was at an all time low at Providence park- AND WE LOVED IT Photo courtesy Portland Thorns FC

With two quick goals, the Thorns defeated the Boston Breakers Saturday giving fans the win they’ve been waiting for. Finally, not just a win, but a powerful and commanding victory! LEVITATE AND PUNCH!

Some fans learned the importance of being on time on Saturday as the only two points were scored within the first five minutes of the match. Couldn’t get that $9 beer fast enough? SNOOZE AND LOSE, SUCKER!

Never in all of the Thorns' history have two goals been scored so early in a match. It was a delight to see the jets engage so early in the game. Thorns’ forward Hayley Raso has been nothing short of an AUSTRALIAN FIRE HAZARD this season. Her tireless energy, incredible speed, and take no prisoners attitude has been fierce and fun to watch. Raso, an Australian in her second year here with Portland, consistently creates opportunities for herself and the rest of the Thorns' offense. But you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. On Saturday Raso drew eight fouls; no other player in club history has drawn that many fouls in one match. THAT’S A HUGE OMELETTE! When asked about her aggressive performance on Saturday night, Raso commented “I think I’ve always just played like that. I get instruction from Mark [Parsons]... the word he uses is 'beast mode.' Just to go hard. My teammates do a great job of finding me. It’s enjoyable.”

RASO! RASO! RASO! Oi! Oi! Oi! Photo courtesy Portland Thorns FC

It was Raso who drove the ball up the field and fired first at Saturday’s game. And while it was deflected by the Breaker’s goalie, it created the corner kick opportunity that would grant the Thorns their first goal. Nadia Nadim blasted the corner to the far post, where Amandine Henry was ready. Henry headed the ball toward the goal and the Breakers did the rest, giving Portland the first point of the night as a result of a Breakers' own goal. AND THAT WAS ONLY THE 55TH SECOND OF THE GAME! You were still looking for parking? TOO BAD! Thought you might wait until the sun went down on your west-facing inferno seat? LET THE BACK OF YOUR THIGHS BURN 'TIL YOU LEARN!

I had just put the Purell away after high-fiving everyone in my section when the Thorns were at it again! Approximately four minutes after that unforgettable corner kick, Amandine Henry intercepted a pass at midfield, dribbled it to the penalty arc, then delivered a well-placed shot into the net. I THINK I PULLED A HAMMIE DOING HIGH KICKS! Sorry for all of you waiting in line so your kid could get their face painted or play the Oregon Lottery bean bag toss. YOUR CHOICE.

This was Henry’s first goal as a Portland Thorn and in the NWSL. Wait, what? (Record scratch!) Don't you know who Amandine Henry is? SHAME ON YOU. Just kidding, I didn’t mean to make you feel dumb. No... please don’t cry. Hey, buddy, I was just kidding, ok? I promise to be less aggressive and consider your feelings more when writing this blog. We cool? THIS BLOG IS A SAFE SPACE!

Bonjour, je mappelle Henry. Au revoir!
Bonjour, je m'appelle Henry. Au revoir! Photo courtesy Portland Thorns FC

Anyway... Amandine Henry joined the Thorns last year in June. She is, by all accounts, kind of a big deal in France. Not only did she win the silver ball in the 2015 World Cup, but she was also named one of the top three players in Europe in 2015. AND SHE’S PLAYING IN PORTLAND! TUCK JUMP SCORPION PULL!

Though the rest of the game didn't show us any more goals, IT WAS ANYTHING BUT LACKADAISICAL. Thorns captain Christine Sinclair nearly scored a goal after an amazing cross from Nadia Nadim in the 32nd minute. Thorns defense worked hard to stave off any goals from Boston and give Portland another clean sheet. Also, during extra time at the end of the game, Boston defender Allysha Chapman was dealt a red card when she came in fast, hard, and a little late with a slide tackle that flattened Hayley Raso. SLOW YOUR ROLL TIGER.

We were all pretty surprised to a red card come out of that pocket. But no one was as surprised as Allysha Chapman.
We were all pretty surprised to a red card come out of that pocket. But no one was as surprised as Allysha Chapman. Photo courtesy Portland Thorns FC

Between our impressive team of international and national talent, and Saturday's outstanding weather, fans packed the house with over 18 thousand people in the stands. Think about that for a minute.... 18,673 people at a woman’s professional sporting event. I’d like to think this blog has a lot to do with it. What’s that? You doubt it? FINE. Seriously though, if you combined the attendance from all of the other NWSL games from last week you would get a number around 13 thousand. So go ahead and pat yourselves on your sunburnt shoulders if you went to the game. Good job, get some aloe vera on that neck, and keep talking the game up to your friends and neighbors from here and afar.

Our next match is in Piscataway, New Jersey against Sky Blue FC, who sits in the third spot in the NWSL rankings to our fifth spot. Watch that game on go90 here! Thorns return home at 7 pm on June 17. You can get your advanced tickets here.
And if you want to follow me you can do that here: @erinjeanius