SHOT THROUGH THE HEART
The Thorns took a hard loss on Saturday night when Sky Blue FC SLAPPED PUSHED, AND EVENTUALLY defeated the Thorns 3-1. FISTS OF RAGE AND BOUNTIES OF DRATS!
I honestly don’t even want to look at the highlights from last night's game. It’s like looking through a mullet filled yearbook of my past—WHO WANT’S TO CONFRONT NUMEROUS POOR CHOICES AND CONSISTENT DISAPPOINTMENTS? But if my loyal readers (AKA my Mom) demand it, I must.
THE HALVES OF IT
WHAT? Were you late to the match again? Were you getting a tire track painted on your face? Were you stuffing your mouth with free salsa samples outside of the stadium? Did we not talk about this after the Thorns scored two goals in the first ten minutes of their last home game? WHEN WILL YOU LEARN? Sky Blue FC scored the lead goal of the match in the first 30 seconds with a goal from Raquel Rodriguez. Sheesh, 30 seconds—that’s not even enough time to heat up a corn dog! #frozeninthemiddle
That certainly took the winds out of our big gay sails (it was Pride night at the park) BUT ONLY FOR A HOT SASSY THREE SNAP SECOND. The North end of the stadium WAS LIT UP like a rainbow on fire and the Thorns were ready to RE👏TALI👏ATE👏
Sky Blue played with some major speed up front and the Thorns struggled to keep pace with their quick clip and on point passes for much of the first half. In minute 32, Sky Blue FC midfielder, Leah Galton, made a break for the goal and was finally challenged and fouled in the box by Thorns defender, Celeste Boureille. HOLD UP wait a minute LET ME PUT SOME BOUREILLE IN IT! Thorns fans watched with baited breath when Sky Blue FC set up to take a penalty kick. If you remember two short weeks ago, Thorns goalie, AD Franch, made a GLORIOUS PK save against Sky Blue. But nonetheless, PKs are hard to defend and what are the odds for that happening again? TURNS OUT THE ODDS ARE PRETTY GOOD because Sky Blue FC’s midfielder Sarah Killion kicked it wide. WHO’S THE BOSS NOW TONY DANZA?
The second half was more of the same BUT WORSE. Sky Blue got faster and the officiating got really... umm, how do I say this... WEIRD/WRONG/DANGEROUS/DUMB. The more frustrated the Thorns got, the more Sky Blue FC seemed to benefit. Sure, we had some opportunities, some breaks, and some shots—but nothing was working to our benefit. Horan got her head on a ball in minute 52 but NO GOAL. Later, Horan headed the ball into the net in the only to be called offsides. WHY GOD WHHHHYYYYY???!!
Meanwhile, while we are thumping our heads against the wall in frustration, Sky Blue FC has scored twice more and is now doing back flips in celebration. SOMEONE, PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP!
It was after 90 minutes had passed and there was likely no chance that the Thorns would come back with four points to win the match, but getting one point on the board for Portland felt pretty good to those in the stands. Like the time when I thought Santa was going to bring me a bike for Christmas and instead I got a lava lamp. Sure I was disappointed, but none of the other fifth graders at my school even knew what a lava lamp was, so that was something. LONELY CHILD WITH LAVA LAMP.
Anyway, I digress. Thorns midfielder, Amandine Henry, was fouled in the box while attempting to score— and while Christine Sinclair didn’t make the penalty kick, she did rally up and knock the rebound in. It was fun to celebrate with the riveters instead of yelling in angst and frustration with them for a minute.
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD
Last night’s game left a lot of us walking out of the stadium with our hearts heavy with disappointment in the result, but it’s still clear that Portland is still the number one spot to play and watch Women’s professional soccer in this country. The Thorns are a team of championship capabilities, profound talent, and smart, quality human beings. The Portland Thorns conduct themselves with composure and professionalism - even when the calls are crap and their talents are not playing at their peak together.
And while I did not leave the game feeling anything but frustrated and bummed out, I did find some connections that I didn’t know I was looking for. Like the guy yelling so hard at the referee that he was sweating— I GET YOU NOW.
And the woman wearing three soccer scarves and a litany of Thorn themed temporary tattoos all over her face screaming through her tears, “We still love you Thorns” —I MOSTLY GET YOU NOW BUT STILL MIGHT HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS.
The Thorns next game is all the way in Washington DC on June 24 at 4 pm. Thorns dropped down to number four in the overall rankings with 15 points. The North Carolina Courage are seated at the top of the table with 21 Points. The Thorns may not be crushing this season like we thought they would right now, but it sure is great to be a part of Soccer City USA.
Follow me on twitter @erinjeanius and catch the game by following this link!