Red Rover, Red Rover send more Wins on over!
Red Rover, Red Rover send more Wins on over! Photo Courtesy Portland Thorns FC

It was one hell of a happy hump day at Providence Park when the Thorns beat the Kansas City 3-0 on Wednesday night. Fans were literally tap dancing their way out of the stadium after Portland razzled and dazzled their way to a convincing win!

The Thorns looked FABULOUS last night. The team played with determination, tenacity and that signature flair we’ve been looking for all season. Christine Sinclair bookended last night’s scoring with two MAJESTIC goals. First, Sinc sunk a follow up to a shot Allie Long attempted, but bounced off the frame in the 15th minute. Then in the second half, the CANADIAN LADY IN RED managed the third AND MOST ATTRACTIVE TECHNICAL GOAL after an assist by Hayley Raso. It was great to see Sinclair’s talents, composure, and drive shine—especially after fans watched her totally lose her shit when the referee nullified a previous goal due to a DEBATABLE handball.

Sinclair made scoring look easy and smiling look hard.
Sinclair made scoring look easy and smiling look hard. Photo Courtesy Portland Thorns FC

But let me tell you about the second goal.
Take a minute to shush the children and find a quiet spot to read about the second goal. HASHTAG TOILET TIME! Or, if you're still at work, just use the time you cry alone in you car to sit alone in the car and read.

After 30 minutes of play, some beautiful saves by Thorns goalkeeper AD Franch and numerous attempts to connect for another goal Thorns midfielder, Lindsey Horan, made a break for it up the center of the field. Gaining speed and shaking off defenders—it seemed like nothing AND I MEAN NOTHING could get in her way—except for an even better opportunity! Horan made a quick and precise pass up right to Hayley Raso who took only a second to control and position the ball to kick and land what can only be described as a CROT.

A CROT is something made up that totally exists. Like a Labradoodle or a Tangelo or a Liger. A CROT is a cross mixed with a shot. Raso knocked a ball that looked like it was intended for one of Horan’s notable headers, but enough vegemite was slathered on the kick that it was good enough on its own for a shot. CROT, ladies and gentlemen, CROT.

Breathing is hard when there is CROT in the air.
Breathing is hard when there is CROT in the air. Photo Courtesy Portland Thorns FC

Winning is great, and winning is even better after a two game losing streak. If you read my last report you recall my LIVID frustrations at the last home game when the Thorns lost to Sky Blue 1-3. Then, last Saturday, the Thorns played away and lost to the Washington Spirit 1-0. Sure, it was tough to lose, but like I always say, “If you are going to watch your favorite team lose a game on the road, do it in a bar with a vague cooling system on a 98 degree day while a funnel of sweat dribbles down your cleavage—but hey, at least they barely put the sound on the game and people aren’t friendly.” ASK ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME — I ALWAYS SAY THAT. I only vaguely remember the game due to a series of heat related blackouts. The Washington Spirit played to their biggest crowd of the season, 4,314 fans. ADORABLE. Washington Spirit’s Francisca Ordega scored in the 19th minute with a strike from just outside the 18. She dribbled the ball out from under Allie Long and made the shot despite two other Thorn’s defenders getting in her business. To be honest, the Thorns didn’t look great. They got beat with speed and skill through a lot of the match, but the second half adjustments made it almost tolerable to watch the game in that hot box of a bar. Thorn’s Nadia Nadim rejoined the ranks in the second half and even though we had 11 shots, only three were on goal and none of them made it in for a goal. The Thorns looked better at passing, but they were still hammering something out as far as chemistry. This, of course, is all my opinion and could be due to the sweat dripping into my eyes.

The Thorns are taking that long drive up the I-5 corridor to battle their number one nemesis rivals, the Seattle Reign. Seattle has not given up a win at home yet this year, and the Thorns have got to bring their number one A game. I’m going to the game! Are you going? If you can’t make it, you can watch here on the NWSL feed. FOLLOW ME TO SEATTLE AND FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @erinjeanius