GAH! IS A GIANT ASTEROID GOING TO HIT EARTH TODAY??
Nope! But now that I've mentioned the possibility of planetary annihilation, this morning's actual news, which would otherwise send you into a horrible depression spiral, won't seem so bad!
CRUISIN' FOR A COLLUSION—"I did not collude," Jared Kushner mewled to Senate investigators yesterday—kind of ignoring the entire point, which was that his father-in-law's campaign "jumped at the chance to collude, even if it ended up not happening at that meeting."
"BELIEVE ME. MERRY CHRISTMAS"—Last night, embittered national tragedy Donald Trump gave a bewildering lecture to 40,000 Boy Scouts, incomprehensibly rambling about "fake news, crowd size, and New York's hottest people" and breaking with 80 years of presidential tradition.
IN RELATED NEWS...—The American Psychoanalytic Association has told its members they're free to comment on Trump's mental health, contradicting the longstanding "Goldwater rule" that prevents mental health experts from diagnosing public figures. The far larger American Psychiatric Association is holding firm.
A BETTER DEAL—Meanwhile, Democrats still have no fucking clue what's going on or what to do. Cool! Their latest confused effort is "A Better Deal," a policy marketing campaign that collects "a set of proposals aimed squarely at voters who see a gap between Mr. Trump’s populist campaign message and the reality of his tenure." FYI, the Democrats completely ignored my advice to call this "The New Deal 2: New and Improved," but hey, I tried.
"NO TICKET!"—TriMet currently bans "problem riders" for six months—but the transit agency is working to "give itself the authority to ban problem riders for more than a year, and in some cases for life."
HOUSE EXPLOSION—Two people were hurt—with one suffering life-threatening injuries—in yesterday's house explosion in North Portland. "I didn't even realize that the house that had the gas explosion, isn't even there anymore," says a neighbor.
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE BRITAIN—"Channel 4 has been faced with a significant downturn in the TV ad market since the Brexit referendum," leading to an under-baked sponsorship deal for The Great British Bake Off. Equally worrisome: the rumors that incoming host Noel Fielding has "struggled to bond with veteran judge Paul Hollywood." :(
And that's all this morning's news! So far.