Longtime listener, first-time writer. I'm a 31-year-old queer female writing to you from
New Zealand because I want to stop being an asshole. When it comes to sex, I’m addicted to the thrill of the chase but I struggle to maintain a lasting relationship beyond that. I’ve been with my current partner for three years but it’s been an up and down kind of a ride due to various reasons and I've also slept with 14 other people in that time without his knowledge. I’ve never had a relationship where I haven’t cheated and I’ve never dated someone who can keep up with my libido. The thing is that when I do get laid, I don’t want it to last long because it’s really only the thrill of the chase that I’m into.
My current situation suits me fine. I have a pretty good relationship and when I’m feeling like I need the thrill of the chase I’ll go have a one night stand with someone and that keeps me satisfied for a while. It suits me that his happens without my partner’s knowledge and consent because it keeps things nice and simple. I know it’s not fair that he doesn’t know. It would be ideal if he was into cuckolding but I’ve raised this idea with him in the past and he’s not keen. I’ve also raised the idea of being more open/swinging and he seemed to like the idea of that, but I do wonder if any of these things are going to damage his self-esteem. He knows that I have a higher libido than him and that I’ll happily fuck him whenever he’s keen, but if I tell him that I want to fuck other guys too won’t that make him feel inadequate? He’s not super confident and that actually causes a little bit of a problem for us in the bedroom room because he can’t make eye contact during sex and so I don’t feel connected to him. I worry if I come clean about my sexual desires and how I have/would like to keep servicing my needs, it’s going to eat away at him. He’s the sort of guy that might agree to something but wouldn’t communicate his pain until it hit boiling point. So it would be easier if I kept it all secret. But that’s not morally sound.
I know that an answer to this might be “break up with your partner and find someone who’s into cuckolding” but that won’t be easy in a county with a small population and relatively conservative attitudes towards sex. So my questions are:
1. How do you ask your partner to let you fuck someone else without it damaging their self esteem?
2. Is there a name for someone who’s addicted to the thrill of the chase?
Could Unveiling Cuck Kink Entirely Distress Her Insecure Man?
P.S. If we were to open things up I think I’d be OK with my partner fucking other people too.
1. It might clarify things, CUCKEDHIM, if you asked yourself what finding out his girlfriend has already cheated on him—and cheated on him repeatedly—is gonna do to your insecure partner's self-esteem. A guy who can't handle an honest, respectful conversation about monogamy/non-monogamy in advance of sex outside the relationship isn't gonna react well to learning that he's been in a non-monogamous relationship for the last three years without his knowledge or consent. (And he actually handled your previous conversations about open/swinging pretty well, it seems, so I don't understand why you're avoiding this convo.)
Zooming out: You know yourself, CUCKEDHIM. You know you're incapable of honoring a monogamous commitment; you've cheated in every relationship you've ever been in. Don't want to be an asshole? Stop making or defaulting into monogamous commitments you know you can't keep. Stop being dishonest, stop being disrespectful, stop being selfish. Stop cheating. I don't mean stop chasing or stop fucking around. You can have the kind of sex life you want (one with new experiences, one-night stands, lots of chasing) and the kind of relationship you want (one with a strong emotional bond and an honest sexual connection), CUCKEDHIM, but not until you risk opening your mouth and telling your partner the truth—this partner, if things work out, or your next partner, if things don't work out.
If your partner doesn't know about the fourteen guys you've already fucked behind his back, CUCKEDHIM,
have a convo with him about the future, not the past, i.e. come clean about your sexual desires, not your sexual history. Stuff those fourteen guys down the ol' memory hole and tell your partner the big-picture truth: "We've had a few tentative conversations about openness and swinging, honey, and I've got to level with you. An open relationship—one that allows me to have sex, just sex, with other guys once in a while—is the only way I'll ever truly be happy in a long, long, long-term relationship."
If that's not the kind of relationship he wants, he's free to go. Maybe he won't go right away—maybe he'll agree to openness at first and then have a meltdown when his pain hits the boiling point—or maybe he'll quickly realize nothing much has changed, since you're not interested in dating other men, just a nice discreet/discrete chase/fuck every once every once in a while. If he can't go there—if he can't wrap his head a degree of openness (not even a DADT arrangement)—due to his inadequacy issues, CUCKEDHIM, then you two will have to part. Because the simple fact of the matter is this: he's not enough for you. No man is be enough for you—so it's not that your partner is inadequate (although the eye contact thing is weird), it's that all men, on their own, are inadequate.
2. Casanova is alleged to have said, "The best moment of love is when one is climbing the stairs." So it would seem that one of the world's legendary lovers was on the same page—the chase, the getting to "yes," was the sweetest part.
P.S. That's very gracious of you, CUCKEDHIM, considering all the people you've already fucked behind your partner's back. This is for you.
P.P.S. You describe a cuckolding arrangement as "ideal" at the start of your letter and close by saying you "think" it might "be okay" if your partner fucked other people too. Hm. I'm actually not convinced you'd be okay with him sleeping with other women, CUCKEDHIM, which makes me wonder if he's not the only insecure person in this relationship. If you want to fuck around on someone who has no interest in fucking around on you (or isn't allowed to fuck around on you)—if that's something else you know about yourself—then break up with your boyfriend and go find yourself a nice cuck.
P.P.P.S. There are cuckolds and cuckold couples in New Zealand. I Googled "cuckolding New Zealand" and a bunch of personal ads, chat threads, Reddit postings, and swinging websites popped right up. Here's a handy link.