My sister recently described a scenario to a friend and I that I would deem rape happening between her and her long-term fiancé. My sister, a vibrant and beautiful 29-year-old is in bed with her fiancé (let's call him D) with her back to him, expecting some gentle laying down doggy-style. Instead, she receives D's entire penis firmly up her ass. She screams, cries, and he pulls out citing that it was an accident. Later, she approaches him in hopes that their amorous endeavors will continue but he then refuses to touch her because he is "afraid that something bad will happen." (As if it was her fault!) She was in pain for days after this lubeless and surprising anal encounter. She told us this was not the first time such sexual disaster struck—D is always "sorry" and acts as if she is the one that surprised him with not owning two vaginas. May I include that this man in twelve years her senior, had a ten-year marriage, and has two kids. He knows the difference between a vagina and an asshole by now, surely?
During previous discussions about sex, I understood that my sister enjoyed anal play with D. Is he using this surprise as a control tactic? I have not talked with my sister about this again because I am sure it will be an emotional conversation. How can I help her see that I only want her to be safe and secure with a sexual partner, while confronting this issue head on? Their relationship has ended multiple times, but she never ends up leaving him. I cannot expect support from immediate family as D is charming, extremely manipulative, and can turn any situation around to his benefit. I have done research of my own on rape in relationships, but don't know how to deliver that information to my sister gently and effectively. How would you recommend I breach this very sensitive subject?
Thank you for being the one person I wanted to tell and ask advice from when I heard this. Let me know if I'm being a nosy sister or need to kick this guy's ass. I'm leaning towards the latter.
Against Niceties After Lovely Sibling's Latest Intercourse Problem
I've expressed doubts—grave doubts—about accidental anal. As I told a woman who wrote in after her boyfriend "accidentally" penetrated her anally four times in a single year...
My own personal sexperience with anal [leads] me to doubt claims of accidental anal penetration, WHAT, as anal penetration always required focus, precision, and proper breathing techniques—in my own sexperience*.
And as I told another reader who was angry I would allow my readers to even suggest that anal could ever happen by accident...
I'm with you, WASSUP. I don't think anal happens by accident. Anal has always, again, and in my vast experience, required lube, focus, precision, and deep breathing. But on the two occasions when I've urged straight female callers on the Savage Lovecast to dump boyfriends who "accidentally" penetrated them anally—the pushback from male and female listeners was overwhelming. Scores of people called in to insist that anal can and does happen by accident [but] I believe "accidental anal" is much more likely to be "intentional, nonconsensual anal," aka not an accident at all.
So, yeah. I personally don't think anal happens by accident, ANALSLIP, and "intentional, nonconsensual anal" = sexual assault. But scores of my straight readers insist I've gotten accidental anal all wrong. My opinion is based solely on my own personal experience with anal, they point out, and as a gay man I'm only working with one hole during anal** and that hole doesn't pump out its own lube. Here is some of what these readers had to say about their own experiences with accidental hetero anal, ANALSLIP...
About once a month, my husband will accidentally anal me. I know it's an accident and he's learned to pull back when the slip happens. You see, sometimes a woman gets wet enough that it's a slip 'n slide down there already. If you're having sex in missionary at the right angle, the guy's penis will rub against the back wall of the vagina. Take the above and add long, fast strokes where the head is barely between the labia, it's easy to see how a penis could follow the wrong slip 'n slide right in.
This most often occurs in the missionary position or a variation there of. It is a result of vigorous thrusting, and probably occurs more often with men who are "shorter" than average. In order to get maximum thrust the man needs to pull his penis out so that only the head is in the vaginal canal. If the man is on the shorter side of average, this can result in the entire penis being removed. Because the thrusting is fast and furious you are not always aware that your penis is completely out, and when you thrust back, the penis sometimes goes astray. This is exacerbated by the missionary position which can point the penis downward slightly. Accidental anal is a real thing. Characterizing it as always an intentional, selfish act that borders on sexual assault is wrong.
Another lady here to say accidental anal can be a real thing. Been with my love for 15 years. We both enjoy (non-accidental) anal so it's not like it's forbidden fruit. When we first got involved we used to have accidents up to every other month or more if we regularly did missionary. His erection is perpendicular to his body. This sometimes cause his penis to slip out of "the correct hole" and into "the wrong hole" while we are enthusiastically in the middle of missionary. He is always terribly embarrassed when this happened and it totally put a damper on sexy times for both of us as neither of us find pain to be a turn on (though we will make jokes later). As you can guess, we don't do missionary as much any more.
Notice a pattern? All of these allegedly/supposedly/likely legit examples of accidental anal happened during vaginal intercourse. There was vigorous thrusting during consensual vaginal intercourse involving experienced partners—people who know the difference between a vagina and an asshole—and everything was slippery and getting slipperier when the dude pulled his dick out a little too far and someone zigged or zagged or misjudged or misadjusted and... bam. Accidental hetero anal.
That's very different from the one incident you describe in detail, ANALSLIP: Your sister and her fiancé were laying side-by-side, spooning, when without warning, lube, or prep, your sister's fiancé rammed his entire cock all the way up her ass. As one of my readers who rose to defend accidental anal said...
BOTH accidental and "accidental" happen!
And as another put it...
If her partner is a generally caring, compassionate, and truthful person, take them at their word. If her partner is generally a selfish, uncaring jerk and "accidental" anal happens then, to quote a wise man, the woman should DTMFA.
It's clear how you feel about your sister's fiancé, ANALSLIP: you think he's a controlling, manipulative jerk and that leads you to conclude these anal accidents weren't accidents at all. But I wouldn't recommend that you storm in and kick this guy's ass. Have a nice, long conversation with your sister instead. Share your concerns with your sister, concerns you didn't share with her during that first conversation. Tell her that, yes, anal penetration can happen by accident but it can also happen by "accident." Ask her if she believes her fiancé when he says it was accident each time it happened and then ask her what concrete steps he's taken to lower the chances of this accident happening again. If his apologies are followed by nothing but withholding behavior ("[later] she approaches him in hopes that their amorous endeavors will continue but he then refuses"), that's a bad sign.
Your goal here, ANALSLIP, is to draw your sister out. Don't blow up, don't tell her what to do. Ask her questions, listen to what she has to say, ask her some more questions. If you go to war with/on her fiancé instead—if you kick down the door and accuse him of rape—your sister will be forced to immediately choose between the man she plans to marry and a sister she confides in. A gentle-but-firm-and-loving-and-supportive-but-still-firm approach—no asses kicked, no explosive leveled, no tables flipped at rehearsal dinners—is likelier to get your sister to think critically about her fiancé, his behavior, and their future.
* "Sexperience" isn't a word. My use of it here was a callback to another reader's use of that non-word in another letter in the same column. Let the record show that I advised this reader to, "eliminate 'sexperience' from your vocabulary, VIRGN, as it's equal parts cloying and annoying." I stand by that advice.
** This post contributes to double-ended dildo invisibility and erases MMM threesomes.