...on being degraded, and I've read enough about Dom/sub relationships (I thought that's what I wanted for a long time) to understand it's not exactly what I'm looking for. It's more of an emotional attraction than a physical one. When I express what I want on Scruff or wherevs, of course I get responses from perfectly sexy people saying they'd love to tie me up or call me a bitch or yadda, yadda. I'm all for it. (Like, of course.) But it doesn't have the emotional component (i.e., being abused, treated terribly, hurt) that I'm looking for. Y'know how there are stereotypes about people who just can't separate sex from emotions? It's like that, but in reverse. The relationship is pretty much over for me the first time he asks me what kind of music I like or offers to pay for dinner.

Do you have any idea how to seek out this relationship? I know some people who would never want this in a million years fall into abusive relationships but do so the time without meaning/wanting to (which I recognize as horrible), but what do you do when it's what you want?

Wanting Abusive Relationship Please

So it's not a Dom/sub relationship you want. Or a relationship at all, really, not even with an abusive partner. Because a real abuser, as opposed to the abuser of your dreams, is usually quite charming and charismatic. They turn it on when they want to — they're strategically "loving" — to dupe their victims into sticking around. An abuser will ask you how your day was, or what kind of music you like, or pick up a check. It's a con, of course, but one that would nevertheless ruin the relationship for you.

No, what you want is something like this... but boyfriends. (Link definitely NSFW.) And that, WARP, or anything that came close to it, is a fantasy. It's a fantasy you might be able to sustain long enough for a successful one-off encounter (or maybe a three-off encounter), WARP, but it's not emotionally or physically sustainable over the long and bloody haul. Your "abusive" dream man will either be someone who's pretending to be a monster, WARP, and sooner or later he'll slip up and ask you what kind of music you like and ruin everything or he'll actually be a monster — he'll be abusive, no quotation marks required. And if you find that guy, if you find a monster, you'll quickly realize that the reality/terror of being in an abusive relationship (and not having any control) is nothing like your fantasies about being one (you are in complete control of your fantasies).

I'm sorry, WARP, but what you want isn't possible. You could seek a TPE ("total power exchange") relationship with someone who is brutally sadistic — those guys are out there and some of them are partnered and their partners have the deep (but consensual) bruises to prove it. But a sustainable TPE relationship — even a brutal one — is like any other Dom/sub relationship in that it requires negotiation, consent, reassessment, renegotiation, and renewed consent*. But even if you could find a punchy ying to your punching bag yang, WARP, you'd at least have to suspend your disbelief long enough to negotiate the terms of your relationship and then somehow not allow the small, daily, low-key intimacies of a shared life ruin it for you. No one can be "on" 24/7 as a top, not even a brutally sadistic one — or on 24/7 as bottom, for that matter.

There are people out there who fantasize about spending their whole lives in dungeons where they're subjected to endless, gruesome tortures — and there are people out there who want to be meals and people who want to be turned into statues. But some shit is just not possible, WARP; some sexual desires can only be realized when two (or more) people come together to play "let's pretend." I would count yours among them — and I would encourage you to go find a kink- and BDSM-positive therapist who can help you come to a deeper understanding of both your kinks and their limitations.

* All relationships require negotiation, consent, reassessment, renegotiation, and renewed consent.