I, Anonymous is the column where YOU write your most secret confessions and insane rants—anonymously! Sure, it's a great way to get stuff off your chest, but it's also a way for you to become FAMOUS—anonymously. The best rants or confessions are chosen to be featured in the print edition of the Mercury (read weekly by hundreds of thousands), and if it's especially interesting/crazy/well-written it's picked for inclusion in the I, Anonymous podcast (a monthly comedy show hosted by Portland's funniest person, Caitlin Weierhauser) that has a potential listenership of MILLIONS! So submit your great anonymous story here!

Want to know what kind of I, Anonymous submissions are chosen for print and our podcast? Here's a classic I, Anonymous from January, 2016 inspired by that year's snowpocalypse.


Kalah Allen
SOME THANK-YOUS to people in the snowstorm: Thank you to all the cashiers, baristas, bartenders, and snowplow drivers. Thank you to the delivery drivers and PGE crews. Thank you to the USPS who delivered our junk mail, and to the garbage men who took it away. Thank you to those of you who know you’re too stupid to function in the snow and therefore stayed in. Thank you to the nurses and ER staff who patched up everyone else. Thank you to crews from Seattle for not being smug at your small-brained cousins here in Mayberry who can never think big. Thank you to TriMet workers for giving up your breaks to try to keep your fragile system running. Thank you to the Portland Police for giving up target practice to help stranded drivers and for giving rides. And thanks for nothing to the leadership of the City of Portland and TriMet: Your paralyzed incompetence, from broken electric trains to untended streets, affected every person in the area who couldn’t just sit at home and look out the window.—Anonymous