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BIGFOOT—The passage of Senate Bill 5816—drafted by Sen. Ann Rivers and intended to make Bigfoot the official cryptid of Washington State—has been delayed. "Rivers said a third-grader in her district asked her to create the bill," reports the Woodinville Weekly, "but a public hearing was postponed until the senator could bring the child to Olympia to testify."

SNOW—As a strange crystalline substance continues to fall from the skies, Portlanders continue to spasm and vomit in shrieking terror. Portland Public Schools are opening two hours late, TriMet says commuters should expect delays, and emergency shelters will remain open tonight.

GUNS—"Senator Marco Rubio and a spokeswoman for the National Rifle Association were repeatedly heckled at a nationally televised forum on Wednesday night in Florida after they refused to back new gun control measures," reads a beautiful lede from the New York Times.

MORE GUNS—"In a listening session yesterday with shooting survivors and family members of victims," the Times writes, Donald Trump "held a card that appeared to remind him of the basics of compassion when dealing with grieving survivors." "How many schools, how many children have to get shot?" asked a father whose teenage daughter was among the 17 killed in Parkland. This morning, Trump responded by arguing that we should give "concealed guns to gun adept teachers" and insisting "the folks who work so hard" at the NRA are "Great People and Great American Patriots."

H&M—"Three big Western companies are investigating allegations that prisoners in China made packaging bearing their brand names," writes CNN, pointing at H&M, 3M, and C&A.

MOVIES—Earlier this week, "Portland's tiny Living Room Theaters filed a $50,000 lawsuit against Regal Entertainment Group," notes the Oregonian. The theater claims the chain used its national muscle to stop them from showing Call Me by Your Name, thus forcing Portlanders to see the film at Regal's Fox Tower 10.

BIGFOOT—A California woman is suing the state for not recognizing Bigfoot, according to the San Bernardino Sun. Her lawsuit alleges that the "Department of Fish and Wildlife and the state Natural Resources Agency have been derelict in their duty by not acknowledging the existence of the Sasquatch species."

VEGAN—"Even the Hamburglar might like McDonald's new vegan burger," says NPR—a statement that implies the Hamburglar has standards. He does not. He wears a fedora and is probably a murderer. Grimace has been missing since July 18th, 2012.

EARTH—"The tropical island nation of Seychelles is to create two huge new marine parks in return for a large amount of its national debt being written off," reports the Guardian. "With other ocean states lining up to follow, the approach could transform large swaths of the planet’s troubled seas."

ARTS AND CULTURE—"Most of Primal Rage is unequivocally bad, but the gore is artful and creative," observes Portland Mercury Cryptid Consultant Ciara Dolan in her critique of the major motion picture Primal Rage: Bigfoot Reborn.