I, Anonymous is the column where YOU write your most secret confessions and insane rants—anonymously! Sure, it's a great way to get stuff off your chest, but it's also a way for you to become FAMOUS—anonymously. The best rants or confessions are chosen to be featured in the print edition of the Mercury (read weekly by hundreds of thousands), and if it's especially interesting/crazy/well-written it's picked for inclusion in the I, Anonymous podcast (a monthly comedy show hosted by Portland's funniest person, Caitlin Weierhauser) that has a potential listenership of MILLIONS! So submit your great anonymous story here!

Want to know what kind of I, Anonymous submissions are chosen for print and our podcast? Here's a classic I, Anonymous from January, 2013.

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Queen of the Bees

I'm an asshole—so be it. Do you people know what it took to get to where I am today? A lot of fucking ass-kissing, that's what. I'm the boss now and apparently people don't like it. Do I care? Not really. Listen up folks, I put in my time, I did what I had to do, I FUCKING compromised myself in more ways than one to rise to the top. If you think I'm going to give two shits about how you people feel about me, you're fucking wrong. And yeah, ok, sometimes I'm in a piss-poor mood because of the SHIT I've had to go through, and I'll take it out on your sorry ass. But you know what? There isn't a goddamn thing you can do about it. You are the worker bee and I am the fucking queen. Get it? If you want to get anywhere in life, you need to start kissing up, and you can begin with MY ass. (And if you're wondering what place of work I'm writing about, try ANY WORKPLACE.)—Anonymous

Got a good secret/rant? Submit yours here!