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Why would anybody want to hurt this lil guy?
Why would anybody want to hurt this li'l guy? PaulReevesPhotography / Getty

It's International Women's Day! While we have your captive attention, and before I get to today's batch of awful news updates, we have some demands.

Donald Trump continues his quixotic attempt to start a trade war no one wants. Truly, no one: Trump wants to implement tariffs on aluminum and steel imports, and Congressional Republicans are opposing his plan. Gary Cohn resigned over it.

First Gary Cohn. Could Sarah Huckabee Sanders be next? The mercurial child-king is reportedly upset with Sanders, for admitting in a briefing to the existence of a nondisclosure agreement he made with porn star Stormy Daniels. To recap: He's upset someone admitted that something exists that we already all knew existed. Sure!

Oh, there's more: Trump's lawyer also obtained a restraining order against Daniels. Haha, can America obtain a restraining order against Trump?

Florida lawmakers begin a quixotic attempt to opt out of daylight savings' time. But did you know there's something called the Uniform Time Act? There is, and Florida needs congressional approval for an exemption.

Men behaving badly, part the first: More details have emerged w/r/t the Mark Cuban sexual assault allegations from 2011, and it's just as bad as one would expect.

Here's a casual reminder for no reason: Don't grope people! Just don't! It's rude and violating! Okay, moving on...

Men behaving badly, part the second: Seattle's KUOW also has a distressing update on sexual harassment allegations against author Sherman Alexie, and how racist gatekeeping within the literary industry contributed to keeping them quiet for so long.

Here's a casual reminder for no reason: Don't sexually harass people! Just don't! It's rude and violating! Okay, moving on...

Alexa is a witch! The Seattle Times reports that Amazon is working on a fix for the glitch that made voice-activated Alexas start cackling at people for no reason.

I'm living for these Mueller updates: Special Counsel Robert Mueller has found evidence that a secret meeting in the Seychelles just before Trump's inauguration was an attempt to set up a backchannel with Russia, reports the Washington Post.

Those poor crows. According to lab tests from the Oregon State Veterinary Diagnostic Lab and Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife, crows that fell from the sky in downtown Portland in January were killed by a neurotoxin, reports OPB. The Audubon Society says it was probably illegal. Crows are highly intelligent (did you know they can count and recognize faces?) and this makes me sad.

You know how 10 miles of the Willamette is officially a Superfund site? And this is something you just try not to think about too much during the Big Float? There's a new plan to clean it up, reports the Trib.

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You made it all the way through! Here's a video of ski ballet to celebrate. I know why this is no longer an Olympic event, but also, why is this no longer an Olympic event? Good morning!