NUKE PARTY!—Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman says it's not like his country wants nuclear weapons... it's just that, you know, "without a doubt, if Iran developed a nuclear bomb, we would follow suit as soon as possible." Have fun trying to sleep tonight!
McMASTER DISASTER—Mere days after the firing of former secretary of state Rex Tillerson, multiple sources tell CNN that "Donald Trump is ready to oust Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster and find a new national security adviser before the North Korea meetings in May," because fucking of course he is. They add, however, that McMaster's firing could be delayed, because "there's no final decision on a replacement," because fucking of course there isn't.
HAHA, THAT'S NOT ALL—A slew of other high-level officials might get shitcanned too, according to the New York Times—including White House Chief of Staff John Kelly ("said to have angered the president by privately saying 'no' to the boss too often") and Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson ("because of the bad publicity he received for the purchase of $31,000 in furniture for his office").
STORMY FORECAST—"For a week, the world has waited: When would 60 Minutes air its interview with porn star Stormy Daniels alleging an affair with President Trump?" asks the Washington Post, its voice quivering with anticipation and/or terror! "Now there is a planned date, March 25, according to two people familiar with the timing."
MAYBE JUST DON'T DO IT—Out in Beaverton, Nike exec Trevor Edwards "left the company abruptly Thursday," writes the Oregonian, "following what the sportswear giant described as 'conduct inconsistent with Nike's core values.'"
UBER'S RAPE ARBITRATION—"Court records in a California class-action lawsuit" against Uber, reports the Guardian, "revealed that the ride-sharing firm has argued that female passengers who speak up about being raped in an Uber must individually settle their cases through arbitration, a private process that often results in confidentiality agreements."
NEUTERING NIMBYS—A pro-environment, pro-density bill in California "would allow eight-story buildings near major transit stops, even if local communities object," notes the NYT. Despite revisions to the bill "to restrict demolition and tenant displacement," the resultant debate is tiresomely predictable, pointing "to a wider divide in the fight against climate change, specifically how far the law should go to reshape urban lifestyles."
STOP DRINKING BOTTLED WATER—You already know bottled water is terrible and you shouldn't drink it. Maybe you'll actually stop now that you know "every time you consume the drink, you may be ingesting thousands of tiny pieces of plastic waste."
JACKIE CHAN—I have never seen anyone as happy as Jackie Chan is at the end of Kung Fu Yoga. Please forget every catastrophically depressing thing that you just read and, if only for a moment, allow Jackie's joyful spirit to perform CPR on your wizened soul.