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Im not melting down! YOURE MELTING DOWN!
"I'm not melting down! YOU'RE MELTING DOWN!" Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I often fantasize the stars above are watching you. They know my heart and speak to yours, like only lovers do. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A cargo train derailed near the Broadway Bridge yesterdayā€”though no injuries or hazardous materials were reported.

The Blazers have now scored a fantastic 13 victories in a row, taking down the Clippers, 122-109! DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING TO JINX US!

Meanwhile the women Oregon Ducks destroy Minnesota, 101-73, securing themselves a spot in the Sweet 16.

Austin, Texasā€”still shaken from their last attackā€”experiences another bomb explosion last night in a residential neighborhood, injuring two.


President McDesperation Trump is visiting New Hampshire today... oh, for no reason! (And especially not because he's already trying to drive off any potential challengers in 2020.)

President McPanicky Trump had a pretty rough weekend what with Stormy, McCabe, and Mueller all closing in on him at the same timeā€”so naturally he dug his hole even deeper by tweeting about it.


But this time, the Feds aren't staying tight-lipped about Trump's tweets and are firing back vicious missives of their own.

And while congressional Republicans are standing up for Mueller and his probe, they're unwilling to put any real protection for the investigator into law.

Meanwhile, three sources who have reportedly spoken to the Mueller investigation are saying that AG Jeff Sessions (SURPRISE!) lied in his testimony about the Trump campaign's involvement with the Russians.

Oh, and some good news for ousted FBI director James Comey: His tell-all bio is topping the Amazon best seller list... and it hasn't even been released yet.

Facebook is finding themselves in increasingly deep doo-doo with both the US and Europe, after it was revealed that the personal info of tens of millions of users wound up in the possession of the digital firm Trump used during his election campaign.

The Supreme Court delivered a smackdown to Arizona, refusing to hear the state's cry-baby antics about rolling back Obama's protection of the Dreamers, and ordering them to keep issuing them drivers licenses.

Vladimir Putin has won his fourth presidential election in a rowā€”but watch your back, comrade! Kremlin insiders are already searching for a successor, while the president searches for a way to remain in power.

Now let's examine the WEATHER FORECAST: Expect two dry days in a row (with a high in the upper 50s). NICE.

And finally, for the HOTTEST clubs to visit this past St. Patrick's day, here's STEFON (Bill Hader) with an assist from his lawyer (John Mulaney).