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GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I think about a ring and all the things that come along with, you make me, you make me. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The Feds' sneaky plan to bust some Portland drug dealers nearly got an innocent person killed.

The Portland Thorns handily beat the Orlando Pride, 2-1, in their first home game of the season YEAH!

Nothing's been easy for the Timbers so far, but hey! They captured their first win of the season this weekend. Check out the deets from our Timbers correspondent, Abe Asher.

The Blazers weren't quite as lucky, losing their first game of the post-season at home. Check out the SAD deets from our own Aris Wales.

A group vying to bring major league baseball to Portland is gaining some momentum, and meeting with city officials.

The ABC News interview with James Comey aired last night, and the fired FBI Director had some choice words to say about Trump, including that he's "morally unfit to be president" (TRUE) and the Russians "probably" have some blackmail-worthy stuff (PEE TAPE).

The Trump administration is planning on leveling new sanctions against Russia for their involvement with Syria's use of chemical weapons. Though who knows? According to insiders, the president is privately furious that the US appears to be taking a harsher stance against Russia than the rest of Europe (because of, you know, PEE TAPE).

House Republicans are reportedly very annoyed that retiring speaker Paul Ryan won't step down now and get out of their way.

ICYMI: Two Black men were arrested by police at a Starbucks because they used the restroom without buying anything. PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY.

In better news, Beyoncé took over Coachella this weekend, turning in a politically fierce performance that became a "culturally historic moment."

A riot in a South Carolina prison ends with seven inmates dead, and 17 injured.

Now let's chat about the WEATHER: A breezy, showery day with a high of 52.

And finally, I encourage you to attack this week the way Elvis, the Cranky Crocodile goes after this watermelon... WITH GUSTO!