The Portland Thorns DEFEATED the Orlando Pride 2-1 in their first home match of the 2018 season. HOT TAMALES AND FAST KARATE!
Finally, finally FINALLY, the Thorns had their first home match. This was the Thorns third game of the 2018 season and their second win. Now I’d enjoy watching the Thorns play just about anywhere, but nothing beats getting a big fat WIN in your own house. And even though gameday showed up with a LADLE BRIMMING WITH WINTRY RAIN—WINNING WAS DELICIOUS.
The Thorns and the Pride have played five times in the past and the Thorns have gone undefeated in their matchups with three wins and one draw. Does this mean I was confident?
NO, HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT.
Does this mean I was doubtful?
YOU DON’T KNOW ME! BACK OFF!
Sure, Orlando has the ever tenacious Sydney Leroux and former Thorn and USWNT favorite and Alex Morgan. And YES, Morgan recently scored a CABOODLE of goals for the US Women’s National Team and seems to be on some sort of GOAL SCORING ECSTASY JOYRIDE. Why would I worry that this game would be any different than the last five matchups? Because I’ve watched Thorns FC Coach Mark Parsons and the rest of the Thorns FC staff pull together a diversely talented group of women who push and pull differently depending on who's on the field. What can I say? I trust their creative and professional instincts! ESPECIALLY SINCE WE WON!
WATERLOGGED AND WINNING
The first half was well played and hard fought by both teams. The Thorns defense seemed off for the first 45 minutes, but managed to stave off some first-rate attempts by the Pride.
HOW ABOUT Y'ALL MAKE LIKE THE MAIN CHARACTER IN JORDAN PEELE’S HIT MOVIE AND GET OUT (of the scoring area).
It wasn’t until the 20th minute that Thorn FC defender Emily Sonnett tried to get a free kick off a little too quickly and the rest of the Thorn backfield was not quite ready. It was swiftly served QUICK AND SLICK to Orlando’s Ubogagu and she delivered it into the net for a Pride goal. NUT BUCKETS!
It’s a good thing your Thorns do NOT take bad news lightly. Shortly after the Pride goal, Lindsey Horan scored some SLOW MOTION MAGIC on the far post after a patient and delicate assist from Thorns captain Christine Sinclair. SHE DON’T SCORE GOALS... SHE MAKES MONEY MOVES!
Y’all: Horan had not one, not two, BUT three Orlando players on her and she hit it with her left foot... into the goal... past the renowned goalkeeper, Ashlyn Harris! I can’t brush my teeth with my left hand without giving myself a black eye. LI-HO GOT THAT G-LOW!!!
The second goal was ANOTHER result of relentless determination and HOT BUTTERY TEAMWORK! Lindsey Horan served up a masterful cross to Sinclair in the 38th minute. And the CANADIAN SENSATION made a goal DONATION without any HESITATION or FLIRTATION.
SHE DONE DID IT AGAIN.
Not only did Sinc do it again, but she’s now done it (score goals) more than any other for the club. A whopping 75 goals for Thorns FC will win you a little respect. GET TO WORK, ARETHA FRANKLIN!
WRAP IT UP, ALREADY
All in all it was a great game back home—and by “great” I mean “THRILLING AND FREEZING.” I honestly didn’t notice Alex Morgan in the game, but constantly felt Leroux and Ubogagu were NAGGING threats. The Thorns showed up big when it came to crosses in the box and Lindsey Horan continues to amaze me. DAVID COPPERFIELD STATUS. Her footwork is so freaky nimble! She’s able to slow the game down in just two beats. She’s by far, IN MY OPINION, the Thorns most sure asset.
I can only hope that this year will be as satisfying as 2017. The Thorns still have a handful of playmakers that have not made it here and judging from the performances we saw today, the Thorns have more winning to do!