Whos the REAL criminal here?
Who's the REAL criminal here? Courtesy LEGO

According to an article from Vice, Portland police have busted one of the city's biggest crime kingpins—but instead of stolen jewelry or electronics, this alleged criminal deals in the most valuable of child currency: LEGOS.

Last week, 40-year old Raji Azar was arrested for fencing toy LEGO sets—and I need to stop for a sec, and provide a little background for people who don't own kids. LEGO SETS ARE TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE, AND CHILDREN ARE OBSESSED WITH THEM. These sets are basically little 3-D puzzles that can be anything from a tiny 35-piece puppy washing sink to a tow truck with thousands of pieces that can cost around 300 bucks. WHAT THE FAAAAACK?? Basically, you buy a kid one of these smaller sets, they finish them in 10 minutes or less, and never pick them up again. They are a COLOSSAL waste of money, and the true criminals here are the LEGO makers who get our kids hooked on this plastic crack!

Now, where was I? Oh right: Last week, 40-year old Raji Azar was arrested for fencing toy LEGO sets. Azar allegedly tempted down-and-out people on Craigslist to sell him these sets for pennies on the dollar—usually stolen, usually from outlets like Fred Meyer—and then resell them to parents who are too scared to tell their children that LEGO SETS ARE TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE and they should choose a more traditional hobby, like pushing a hoop around the yard with a stick. Anyway, according to the article:

Last Thursday, Azar met with undercover cops who were posing as theft suspects looking to unload a large Lego haul for a fraction of its retail value. Azar was arrested after he met with the undercover investigators and bought what he believed to be $13,000 of stolen Lego sets from them.

Cops discovered about $50,000 worth of LEGOs (!!!) in Azar's garage—enough to line the entirety of the man's driveway. Because the toys don't have serial numbers, they're almost impossible to track and easy to steal, hence the popularity of such fencing operations...

...including another $50,000 bust in Portland in 2016 after the thief tried to sell the Lego sets to undercover cops. A man in Florida dubbed the ‘Lego Bandit’ shoplifted nearly $2 million worth of Lego sets and other toys. In 2014, police in Phoenix, Arizona busted a crime ring that had boosted over $200,000 worth of Lego sets.

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Again, the true criminals here are the LEGO makers, and whenever you kowtow to your kids' stupid request for these idiotic wasteful toys, YOU ARE SUPPORTING DRUG ADDICTION, CRIME, AND HIGHER PRICES ON THE FRED MEYER GROCERIES YOU LOVE (like kombucha, gluten-free crackers, and anal itch cream... your weekly grocery list may vary).