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Stormy dunks on Roseanne
Stormy dunks on Roseanne Ethan Miller / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! It's true you want to build your life of guarantees. Hey take a ride in a big yellow taxi, I'm not here to feed your insecurities. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Have you filled out your ballot yet? If not, allow us to make your life EAAAAAASY with the Mercury's election endorsements! THEY'RE SMART. THEY'RE GOOD.

After a truckload of complaints from female employees, the CEO of Nike has apologized to his staff for the "boys' club" culture of the company.

A teacher at St. Helens High School has been charged with the sexual abuse of a student.

Rudy Giuliani—perhaps the world's worst legal counsel?—really put his foot in it after announcing that Trump had been making secret payments to Michael Cohen who was in turn paying off Stormy Daniels. While the gambit was allegedly to prove the president didn't violate campaign laws, Trump's staff are losing their goddamn minds, afraid this extremely risky plot will backfire. Also? HA. HA. HA.


And you know it's bad when Trump's own state-run media (Hi, Fox News!) is turning against him. Again, HA. HA. HA.

In other HA. HA. HA. news: Speaker of the House Paul "'Sup, Bro?" Ryan is reinstating the House Chaplain (who's from Oregon, by the by) after shoving him out for perceived slights against the Republican tax plan.


The King of the Flip-Flop (Donald Trump) has changed his mind again, and is now saying he'd LOVE to speak to Robert Mueller about his laundry list of crimes, but only if, you know, the special prosecutor treats him fairly and doesn't charge him with any of the many crimes he's clearly committed. Sounds reasonable!

Congratulations to President Trump for breaking his own record, and telling over 3,000 lies (that's like 6.5 lies per day!) since taking office.

In some promising national news, the unemployment rate has fallen to 3.9 percent, with the economy adding 164,000 jobs. Thanks, Obama!

After days of warnings, Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has erupted, prompting people in the area to evacuate.

Though you've probably already been doing this, a Detroit radio station has started a Kanye West boycott because of all the nutty bullshit he's been saying on Twitter lately.

Now what about this WEATHER: A cloudy morning gives way to a sunny afternoon, and a high of 68.

And finally, if you ever pine for the days when the internet created crazy shit for seemingly no good reason, rejoice! Because those days are here again!