Good morning, Portland. Here are some things to start your day:
About That Wedding: Okay, so Prince Harry married Meghan Markle this weekend and I wasn't as annoyed by it as I thought I'd be. Because, hats! And that lip bite! Oh, and a Black pastor talking about love among slaves in the American south and a Black gospel choir singing Ben E. King and Meghan's mom's cornrows in a room full of the world's OG white colonialists.
Timberrrrrrrr(s)!: A dramatically close, physically intense game between the Timbers and Los Angeles FC ended in a Portland victory Saturday.
Schooled: An anonymous group of Marylhurst University faculty members are pushing back on university leadership's decision to shutter the 125-year-old school, claiming there are alternative solutions. But, according to Marylhurst officials, that's not the "graceful" option.
"Our Shooting": It's been 20 years since a 15-year-old student brought a semiautomatic rifle to Springfield's Thurston High School, killing two and wounding 24. Here's what Thurston survivors have to say about the 229 school shootings that have taken place between then and now.
Dan Patrick is 75% of the Reason I Left Texas, and Other Stories: Meanwhile, in an insane-to-the-point-of-impressive move, Texas' second in command announces that legal abortions are to blame for school shootings. Oh, and videos games and schools with too many entrances and unarmed teachers and separation of church and state and literally every single thing aside from fucking guns.
Lava Defies Logic: Lava from Hawaii's overflowing Kilauea volcano shattered a man's leg this weekend. Yep, shattered. "It hit him on the shin and shattered everything there down on his leg," an official calmly explained. It's the first known human casualty of the recent eruption.
Fair Election? What's That? Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro won a second term in an election that was boycotted by opponents who claimed the polls were rigged in the socialist president's favor. The US has threatened sanctions against Venezuela's oil exports in response to the country's allegedly fraudulent voting process (SINCE WE ARE SO GREAT AT THAT).
LOL BRB: Don't worry, that trade war with China has been put on hold.
In Tragic News: Donald Trump has ruined the Onion for everyone.