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I am so glad you published the letter, "How Can I Give My Straight Boyfriend the Gay Blowjob He Secretly Yearns For," because I've been wanting to ask a similar question, though in our relationship it's not secret.

My partner has shared this fantasy before, among many other fantasies. We even became swingers for a time, and enjoyed some great experiences though he had some ED issues—and there's an ugly double standard in the swinging lifestyle that allows women to be bi-comfortable but not men, so he hasn't had much opportunity to enjoy his bi-curious BJ fantasy.

His libido far outpaces mine, and he wants me to help find him a suitable playmate for his fantasy BJ, and to present him with this gift, which makes me feel uncomfortable, and he feels too ashamed to search on his own. My participation is mandatory in his view. That I am not drawn to do this makes him feel unloved, that I am uninterested in his fulfilling his desires. I do want his happiness, but I feel put on the spot, forced. How can I get around this?

Dick Detective

So... your male partner wants dick but you to do the legwork?

Yeah, no. It would be one thing if being ordered to suck some random dude's cock was an intrinsic part of his fantasy—if it was "forced bi" scenario—and not having any say in the cock or the guy that cock comes attached to or when he'll be sucking that cock, etc., was what turned him. You still wouldn't be obligated to do the legwork in that case, DD, if beating the online bushes in search of a guy who want your partner to suck his cock made you feel extremely uncomfortable*. But I could at least understand why he'd want you to find the cock.

But this isn't about man who wants to be forced to suck a cock. This is about a man who wants to suck a cock but is too paralyzed by shame to look for a cock to suck—and, I'm sorry, but someone who is too ashamed to look for a cock to suck isn't emotionally prepared to suck a cock. Someone who can't ask for what he wants isn't ready to get what he wants.

Tell your partner that when he's ready to do this with you, you'll be there to help him search. Until then his cocksucking fantasy will have to remain a fantasy.

* I stuck that "extremely" before "uncomfortable" because I do think it's possible—advisable, even—to step outside of our sexual comfort zones. We aren't obligated to do so, of course, and we shouldn't be expected to leap outside our comfort zones instantly and/or whenever asked. But the world is full of people who carefully and thoughtfully tiptoed outside their comfort zones, often to please a partner, and were happy they did—not just because it pleased a partner, but because they wound up enjoying whatever-it-was too.


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